Teun Marez
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“These books have changed my life.”
“I like his sense of humor and the ability to apply his techniques to everyday situations.”
"Your book came into my hands four weeks ago... which led to a 'magical journey' that will now go on forever."
“Anyone can use it in their real life.”
This book is dedicated to my large family, the wonderful creatures called “people,” the most cheerful inhabitants of the Earth, who, unfortunately, have lost touch with their innate sincere feeling of joy and eternal happiness.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Teun Marez was born in Zimbabwe. His father was a miner and his mother a teacher. Teun's childhood was spent in the bush, among the wild, near the natives of this area, surrounded by their rich folklore.
It was in those early years that his journey to knowledge began — the quest that eventually led Theune to abandon most of the traditional concepts and embark on a completely different path of understanding the world.
Since he grew up with African children and always considered them equals, the first clashes with manifestations of racism caused him a real shock.
“It made me really ask a lot of questions about life — not just about racial bias, but about the way we live our lives in general, about how socially determined our world views are.”
As a freshman at the university, Teun realized that if he really wants to find answers to his questions, he will have to do it on his own.
“I was struck by the idea that the only way to do this was to re-examine and re-evaluate all the ideas I had already learned about life.”
After graduating from the university, Teun became interested in art first, and later made a career in education. Thanks to this, he has gained extensive experience in the behavior of various types of people and social strata, relationships between representatives of different cultures and all age groups.
Theun himself believes that such diversity, which is a distinctive feature of South Africa, holds great potential, as it allows you to fully explore and understand the differences between people. Only then can their true unity and common purpose be realized.
Teun's working day now includes individual teaching, writing and conducting training courses. He lives in Cape Town with his wife Marian. This union is a wonderful example of the balance of masculinity and the true feminine.
PREFACE
What do you say if you are told that the key to happiness is always right in front of your nose? When the author of this book, Teun Marez, first stated this, I felt somewhat disappointed. However, in the hope that in time he would reveal his strange secrets, I decided to keep quiet and laugh at him later. On the other hand, I continued my own search for happiness and did not look away from the distant horizon. However, like this line, happiness seemed to drift away with every step I took.
Fortunately, I had the opportunity to become not only the publisher of Teun, but also his student, and thanks to this, I noticed that he does not fight for a happy life at all. That’s when I decided to listen to his words, although it took a long time before I finally began to understand their justice. It turned out that the search for happiness is a universal problem, since we all tend to discard the simple and obvious, trusting instead some confusing answers. In our pursuit of scientific and technological advancements, we have become overly “smart.” We think so hard about life that, as a result, true happiness just slips through our fingers.
Through working with and learning from Theun, I began to be guided by this principle: in order to understand how to live and derive more joy from life, a person does not need to become a scientist at all. In fact, the keys to a happy life are available to anyone, the simplest person, otherwise there would be no meaning in life at all. The secret is very simple: instead of inventing another trick, you need, on the contrary, to get rid of the huge amounts of everything that we have learned in our lives.
The keys to happiness are really very simple, but that doesn’t mean they’re easy to get. To be honest, they are often hard to use in practice. Even if you know what you should do, it’s always very different from how you used to act. During the time I met Theun, I realized that you can not go along the path of happiness in one fell swoop, but it is worth making a firm decision and going on this journey with a small set of tools in your pocket - and your life changes once and for all. Sometimes you fly up, sometimes you fall to the ground, but everyone travels, relying solely on their own strength, and this enriches life with new dimensions, brings delight and joy to it. Confidence in yourself and your abilities, the right to say, “Yes, I did everything myself!” — this, in my opinion, makes everyday life diverse and worthwhile. And as a result, your mood does not depend on whether it is sunny today or rainy.
Over time, I discovered that the principles outlined in this book led me to a completely different understanding of happiness. I realized that happiness is not somewhere beyond the horizon — it is here, near, around us, just enough to reach out. It is so simple, but at the same time very difficult.
It’s like choosing life over death, because if a person chooses life, he makes a choice in favor of happiness at the same time. Many people like to watch sports, and the reason is not that they are interested in the final result, the victory itself. No, they want to indirectly survive every second of the rivalry of teams or athletes - a battle in which a second stretches for whole minutes of compressed excitement and tension.
Similarly, when choosing happiness and the fullness of life, we remember every moment of our own struggle, saturated and passionate. Victories come and go, and what a man gains from any battle remains forever. So, for me personally, the choice of the fullness of life has become a completely practical issue, associated with the development of agility, vigilance and passion, which allow us to catch the elusive moment of happiness - despite the variability of appearance, they invariably arise in any relationship, daily throughout life.
I hope that your own path of discovery will become no less exciting and fruitful than mine.
Charles Mitchley, Cape Town
ENTRY
There were several ways in which I could present the material in this book, but as it was devoted to a return to true joy and lasting happiness, I decided to write it in a humorous spirit. As a result, boring technical details were discarded or minimized, because we all know that fun relies on feelings, not juggling intellectual concepts. However, those readers who want to read more about this book can refer to my other books.
Throughout the book, I have tried to pay special attention not so much to the huge boulders visible to everyone as to the small and annoying pebbles that we all stumble about, but which we never notice, because they seem completely insignificant. It's worth thinking about.
Have you ever been in a car accident? How many times a day have you had an accident with another person you accidentally stepped on your foot? It is surprising that when trying to get out of such clashes, we only get deeper into the conflict. You know, right? If so, this book is for you. In fact, this book only talks about how to move to a different point of view, say goodbye to the Troubles and welcome Happiness. So, let's finally bury Mistress Misfortune and plant on her grave the seeds of the happiness that you have dreamed of for so long.
But I have something to warn you about. Before planting these seeds, you should carefully make sure that you really buried the old Mistress of Misfortune - otherwise she will still deprive you of strength, and you will have to feed her even those crumbs of transient happiness that can be found. This is how life works: we make the simple choice of being happy or unhappy, but both require the same effort. No matter what you decide, enjoy this book.
Odin
WE TALK ABOUT LIFE
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
I don’t know who said these words, but they are very wise. This means that whatever troubles you had yesterday, a week or a year ago, today is the day when you can leave the past behind - not to throw it out of your head, but simply not to let it make you unhappy. As for the past, we always have a choice: either to feel shame and guilt, or to look at our actions fairly objectively and honestly, to become their master.
Being the master of your actions doesn’t mean you’re proud of them. This means that we are honest enough to admit that we have made a mistake, but at the same time we are ready to bear full responsibility for our actions. Taking responsibility for ourselves, we not only become the masters of our actions, but we declare our right to the knowledge that we have received due to the incident.
Knowledge learned from personal experience simply cannot be anything bad — except, of course, when in the future they are used for subsequent wrong actions in relation to both the world around them and themselves. However, if I have burned my finger and accumulated relevant experience, this knowledge will help me not to burn anymore. I can also use them to warn others of the dangers. Finally, they can confirm and enrich the life experience of those who also burned their fingers.
Of course, not all knowledge is beautiful and not all experiences bring us pride and satisfaction — but it is equally true that we are not all angels. Some may pretend to be a saint, but the reason for this is only that everyone has learned to do one of two things: either it is very good to hide "skeletons in the closet", or, becoming the master of their actions and shortcomings, turn them into something useful for others and for themselves.
On the other hand, some of us are forced to wear the mask of dishonor only because at some point fate did not give them any reasonable way out - as a result, a person did not learn to turn his yoke into a royal mantle, and it remained a heavy burden.
It all comes down to the fact that each of us is guilty no more and no less than any other. We are all participants in the cycle of life, that is, accomplices, and therefore none can claim innocence. For example, if I buy a car and hit a pedestrian, it is certain that I will be the one to blame in the accident. But if I didn’t have the opportunity to buy a car, I could have hit the same pedestrian with a bicycle, and in this case his injuries would most likely have been less serious. Thus, any of those who are associated with the automotive industry, indirectly bears a share of responsibility for each accident on the road.
Of course, I am not trying to lose my responsibility with this example. I try to explain something else: of course, I must bear full responsibility for my actions if I hit a man on the road, but the guilt of such a crime would never fall on my shoulders, if someone did not invent a car, someone else did not build it in the factory, a third did not start selling cars, and the fourth would not advertise them and provide such economic conditions, when a car can buy anyone.
Ultimately, there is only one life, one humanity and one common destiny for all. Having become the master of our actions and life experience, we acquire all the accumulated knowledge, and those, in turn, help us to fulfill our role in the process of creating the world around us.
WHAT IS LIFE?
Our desires are not just idle dreams. They reflect our deepest inclination, an aspiration that is not so difficult to satisfy if we use our knowledge wisely. What is life? I like to compare it with a giant web, cross-linking and intertwining threads which are the actions of each person. All threads are interdependent, they interact with each other, and therefore the entire web of life turns out to be a system of interconnected threads.
Thus, it can be said that life resembles a sphere of relationships that covers not only people, but also the animal, plant world, even inanimate objects - for example, home furniture. Try to think for a moment about your own relationship with things in your house - say, about kitchen buffets: the doors of one of them open without the slightest difficulty, and with the other you always have to fight for a long time, after which he opens up with such force that he almost breaks your nose. Relationships with others are not much different from this example; the same applies to the circumstances of life.
Everything that makes up our life is nothing more than a series of relationships between us and external circumstances. These circumstances depend not only on our own actions, but also on other people and objects, in particular, on the cupboard door.
If you’re looking for happiness, its roots are in relationships — and I wonder if you’ve ever thought about how complex that search is.
Relationships are the essence of life itself, as life is really one giant web of interacting, interconnected and interdependent energy fields. We call this web the cycle of being, since life has no end, it bends, flows into itself and forms a vicious circle — or rather, a sphere. To understand your own relationship is to understand life itself.
Thus, if you want to achieve joyful and meaningful communication with other people, with the world around you and, most importantly, with yourself, you must first reassess everything you know about relationships - in fact, rethink everything you know about people and the world in which you live. So, I want to invite you to play with me in one game - the game of life. This game can be called "Search for Happiness".
We’ll start with a little story, tales about me and you — a story that will unfold gradually throughout the book and end when you know where the keys to happiness are stored. This game was not invented by us, its script is prompted by life itself. In case you get lost somewhere along the way, I'll tell you the whole story in advance. But remember that it is only the most generalized description of the novel that will become your own life. You and only you determine all the details of this story, its characters and atmosphere.
Only you will decide whether it will be a tragedy, a comedy, an epic drama or just a touching story about the life, trials and dreams of one person - that is, you - who went to look for happiness, joy and freedom. We make of our life what we want.
TWO
SEARCH FOR HAPPINESS AND THE FOUR CONDITIONS OF CAPTAIN LIFE
You live on an island. This island is your world, and it has everything you need.
The island on which you live is quite pleasant, except for the feeling that it is an island. Although there are many other islands nearby, you often feel cut off from the outside world, alone with yourself and your thoughts, feelings and emotions. Loneliness is what you can call this island, and you really want to see other parts of the world.
One day, a ship arrives on your island. You rush to the shore and see a respectable man standing on the deck, apparently, the captain of the ship.
You are so excited that you almost forget to say hello and immediately begin begging the captain to let you aboard his ship. Gesturing animatedly, you tell him how lonely it is here, and that you want to sail away from this island and see the other corners of the globe.
All the while, the ship’s captain doesn’t say a word, listens attentively and looks at you and stays silent for a while after you’ve finished speaking. Finally, the second you open your mouth again, he says, “I am Captain Life, the captain of this ship. I have to warn you, this is not an ordinary ship, but a Ship of Happiness. If you want to get on my ship, you will have to fulfill some requirements. - Of course! - You are ready to respond. - Of course! I'll do whatever it takes, pay whatever it takes.
The captain studies you again for a long time, and then continues: “I do not demand any payment. If I were to charge for the voyage on the Ship of Happiness, you wouldn't have enough money. I demand that certain conditions be met.
First of all, you can’t take any books, pictures or pictures on board my ship. Instead, you should bring only a pen and clean paper.
Secondly, you should not take any clothes and shoes, except for a simple white sheet.
Thirdly, you can not have jewelry and weapons with you - only a laurel wreath and a garland of wild flowers.
Fourth, you have to throw the watch overboard.
And finally, to leave my ship at the end of the journey, you will have to say a special password that you will need to find and remember during the journey. If you try to trick me or say the wrong password at the end of the trip, you'll pay with your life.
This is how our story begins, a story about you and me, you and someone else, about you and the outside world — and most importantly, about you and your inner self. Welcome to the Ship of Happiness! I hope you've thought through Captain Life's demands carefully enough, because there are many ways to pay for your life - and not all of them involve death.
So, let’s talk about each condition in turn. However, since this is your fairy tale, I cannot give you direct answers - for the simple reason that my answers will be true for myself, not necessarily for you.
Each of us has to figure out for ourselves what Captain Life’s conditions really mean and what we have to do to meet them. However, the same thing remains the password that we have to learn when traveling through the ocean of life. Well, on the good way! Let this journey be enjoyable!
THREE
CONDITION ONE: UNDERSTANDING THE OTHER STATE OF BEING
Life is far more than our social conditioning
Captain Life's first condition: "You can't take any books, pictures or pictures on board my ship. Instead, you should bring only a pen and clean paper.”
This means that if we want to live a full life, and not remain a submissive accomplice of social conditioning, we need to forget about everything that we were taught (books), discard everything that we think we know (photos and pictures), and then begin to re-learn (pen and blank paper) the life that we would like to live. Think about what you already know.
Have you ever been taught to think for yourself? Rather, you were taught to think as everyone else thinks.
Perhaps you have been given tools with which to find the meaning of life? Rather, they were simply forced to adhere to other people’s beliefs and biased opinions.
Perhaps you have been taught to value your personal experience and put it above the information that is received from others? Rather, you were constantly told that your own experiences should be ashamed.
Have you learned something that you can rightly call your own discovery? I think that if you are honest enough with yourself, you will be horrified when you realize how little knowledge you have gained from personal experience.
Most of what people usually consider their knowledge is actually someone else’s thoughts and opinions, the reliability and fairness of which often remains untested and unverified. All these facts are imposed upon us by social conditioning, both accidentally and intentionally. So, in reality, you have very little real knowledge about life. More precisely, you value too little what you have learned in practice, from personal experience. Is it any wonder that you now have difficulties in communicating with others and with yourself, in life in general? Let’s talk more about what all of this really means.
It does not matter what kind of communication we are talking about - with a loved one, parents, brothers and sisters, a boss or the whole world as a whole. If we want communication to be harmonious, the first step should be to pay attention to the state of being of the other person. The same goes for communicating with yourself.
But how to understand your own state of being, not to mention the life of others? By "state of being" I mean the place that everyone, including ourselves, occupies in his own life - how a person thinks, feels and reacts when faced with life circumstances.
To understand how rarely we manage to penetrate into the state of being another person or himself, it is enough to look at the diversity of relationships in the world around us. For example, brothers and sisters often see the world quite similarly, but in the vast majority of cases they rarely dream of the same thing.
The only thing that unites brothers and sisters are common parents, and therefore instead of real communication (that is, such communication, when people take into account the state of being of another person), a relationship of rivalry is often established between them - "if you were not born, everyone would pay attention to me." Such a relationship is generally difficult to call communication, it is rather a competition, the roots of which go to one form or another of feeling an external threat. As a result, brothers and sisters not only do not try to understand each other, but spend a lot of time on mutual struggle for attention from parents, or try to bypass the other in school or at the sports field.
At work, there is the same rivalry with others, completely displacing the desire to unite and help each other in a common cause, to understand the strengths and weaknesses of their colleagues and their own. As a result, employees gradually become secret enemies, and everyone is afraid that someone else will understand what he really is. In this case, communication is also extremely difficult, because you have to communicate with a certain facade, with external manifestations, and real communication is possible only with a real person who is hiding behind such a mask.
There are many such examples. Mother and daughter often enter into a hidden rivalry for the attention of the father, and the reason is very simple: deep down, none of them believes in their own significance and therefore needs the support of a man.
The son desperately tries to justify the hopes of his father, because he is convinced that otherwise the father will cease to love him simply as he is. A mother often directs her son’s life after he has left his father’s house, for the simple reason that he does not trust his own knowledge, and the mother simply cannot find any meaning in her life except to help her son.
The boss does not hesitate to use command methods instead of making subordinates his assistants, and the reason is only so low self-esteem that the boss sees a threat even from the secretary serving tea. This list can go on endlessly. If you think about your own life, you can easily find other examples of rivalry in it, replacing mutual understanding. Regardless of external manifestations, the root cause of all this is, firstly, the inability to take into account the state of being of another person and, secondly, the lack of faith in one’s own knowledge and values, which, in fact, becomes a source of a sense of threat and uncertainty.
Looking around, you can see that only rare people really know how to communicate, while most of the people around just compete with the rest. The end result is usually a style of behavior that is quite destructive to all aspects of communication. In this regard, it should be noted that the fruits of any real relationship, on the contrary, are the inspiration and strengthening of the people involved. This meaning implies the very word “communication”, that is, “community, unification” — essentially the exact opposite of rivalry.
I want to offer you one exercise that will allow you to understand how correctly you evaluate your own relationships. Make a list of them, paying special attention to those relationships that you usually take for granted — say, communicating with neighbors, a janitor, pets and, most importantly, with yourself.
Don’t try to fool yourself, because it requires real honesty. It is very important that you do not forget about those relationships that you sincerely consider good. Remember that the sign of genuine communication is encouragement and mutual support, not weakening and destruction. Think in particular about your friends and determine for yourself whether your communication with them helps to strengthen the strengths of both. Maybe you’re just adding to each other’s weaknesses?
A true friend can be considered someone who loves you enough to openly express his opinion and is not afraid to quarrel with you. He who constantly agrees with you (even if you do not allow perfect actions) only in order to maintain this friendship is not a friend at all, but rather an accomplice to the crime!
USE OF FEAR
To communicate with yourself, others and the world around you, you need to be aware.
The first step to real communication is to develop the habit of being aware of everything that is happening around and in the depths of the soul. Awareness is not only a necessary condition for understanding someone else’s state of being, but also a vital condition for the education of the fluidity of perception. In other words, awareness will not allow you to go through life, closing on your own point of view. On the contrary, you should learn openness and the ability to move to a wide variety of positions, and without the slightest doubt about the value of your own knowledge.
Very soon you will realize that there are as many different points of view in the world as there are people on the globe. And this should not be surprising, because each person is unique and her own approach to life.
The real beauty is that the point of view of any person can be compared with the face of a huge diamond. So you have one facet of it, I have another, the rest have all the other facets, but by putting them together we can enjoy the wonderful overflows of light. What a magical brilliance the mind begins to shine when many minds unite their forces in one thing, ending the rivalry with each other, and stopping saying: "I am right, and this means that you are wrong!" Education of this approach to life - this is what mindfulness can bring.
It is worth noting that we should not confuse the concepts of "awareness" and "consciousness". The word "consciousness" means "together general knowledge" and, of course, implies the ability to take into account the state of being of another person. Mindfulness, on the other hand, means “a property or state of emotional or intuitive receptivity.” It echoes the expressions "be attentive, vigilant", "stay alert", which, in turn, are closely related to the feeling of fear.
This connection is quite significant for our conversation about relationships, because at the slightest sign of fear or even a feeling of fear, a person becomes very attentive and, therefore, aware.
I separate the “feeling of fear” from the usual “fear” because these are two different states of being. I hope that the following analogy will help you to understand the difference. Imagine what would happen if you put your hand close to the fire. Of course, you will feel a strong heat, and this feeling will cause a feeling of fear, which, in fact, will not allow you to commit stupidity - put your hand directly into the hot coals. On the other hand, if someone twists your hands with ropes and drags you to a huge fire, you will not feel any heat yet, but, without a doubt, you will already be completely at the mercy of panic, realizing that now you will turn into a bright torch!
The difference between these feelings is very important, since most often people begin to fully realize what is happening only if something threatens their lives.
Thus, it is the real fear, or at least the feeling of fear, that pushes a person to a state of mindfulness, or awareness. If you let an insurance agent into your home, it’s likely that by the time he leaves, you’ll have already signed fire, robbery, and long-term care insurance contracts, not to mention life insurance. You will spend a lot of money only because this agent receives considerable commissions for the ability to instill in you a completely real fear. He will convince you that in the absence of these policies, you will find yourself in real trouble when — not “if” but “when”! — all these disasters will break out.
After some time, you suddenly think about why, in fact, signed insurance in case suddenly suddenly suddenly stretch your legs, because you are a completely lonely person, you have no spouse, no children, no relatives, no cat or dog - even a parrot! Then you will understand how you were tricked, and you can not deny the fact that fear can really be infected!
However, let’s move on to the positive features of fear: we should not forget that it pushes us forward, makes us become better and stronger, wiser and more tolerant, more attentive and, therefore, more responsible. Thus, to be fully aware of the world around us, we just need to experience a certain sense of fear - for example, fear that the insurance agent will force us to part with a significant share of the annual income.
Of course, this is not the stupefying horror that causes the cry: “My God! How scared I am of the consequences if I don’t follow my insurance agent’s advice!”
So, in order to be aware, we first need to recognize our own fears, not pretend that we are not afraid of anything, or simply drive them into the depths of consciousness. In addition, you should openly face your fears and study them well - this will help you learn to use them as an advantage, and not remain entirely in their power.
DEVELOPMENT OF RESPECT
Awareness implies not only the ability to use their fears, but also respect.
By remaining fully aware, we learn to use our fears as tools to help us stay alert. However, if we want to learn how to apply our fear constructively, it is necessary to understand the meaning of respect - not only to others, but also to ourselves. In the absence of fear, we very soon begin to treat people and the world with disdain.
It should be understood, however, that to spend your whole life in a half-sleep, without feeling any fear, means to treat the world too lightly, and this attitude gives neglect to yourself and others. Very often, it manifests itself in the style of "Do not like - throw away" or "Even if I lose this person (this house), there will still be a lot of fish in the sea (I can always buy another house)". Such an approach means total disrespect for the world.
So the true meaning of constant awareness comes down to a sense of fear that is based on respect. If you were to lose your fear and respect, you would soon become drowsy, because the mind would be bored, and the sleep of the mind cannot be combined with awareness.
To summarize: if by now you estimate the effectiveness of your communication by ten percent, it means that 90 percent of your life you spend in half sleep.
On the other hand, I can't blame you for anything, even if you still don't really understand what I'm talking about. It took me an incredibly long time to realize that most of my “precious” relationships always mysteriously turn into some sluggish and sticky mass.
Do you know what kind of relationship I'm talking about? About that pleasant, warm and comfortable communication, when you lie in bed and until the morning you share with another person the most intimate secrets. I was always amazed at why such a relationship is very quickly curtailed by mutual consent, but one day it dawned on me: they simply lack fear and respect.
What does all this mean from a practical point of view? To see these phenomena in action, let’s look at the example of romantic relationships.
Imagine a young man who met a wonderful girl a couple of days ago.
From the very moment Tom met the pretty Thea, he only thinks about her, and very soon comes to the inevitable conclusion that he just needs to see her again. Tom carefully considers the original idea to call Thea and offer her somewhere to have lunch. It is at this moment that the feeling of fear rises on the surface for the first time.
Suddenly, Tom completely loses self-confidence, and as a result, his self-esteem begins to be undermined by a variety of fears: “What if she refuses?”, “What if she is married or engaged?”, “What if she just declares that I am a complete idiot?”
There is no need to explain further - we all know how Tom will behave on the first date, if he still manages to gain enough courage and invite Thea to dinner. He will be very vigilant and incredibly warning! He will begin to monitor his every step, smile, and eye expression. Tom will not miss the slightest opportunity to let Thea know that she is a real princess. He will not leave the house until he is sure that he looks at all and has become a model of masculinity. His car will be washed and cleaned to brilliance, everything in the living room will be prepared to drink a cup of coffee after lunch, and the next morning, when a bouquet of flowers is brought to the door of Thea's house, the charming aroma of his lotion after shaving will still be felt in the air at the threshold.
What happens next? Thea will fall desperately in love with her dashing, utterly irresistible prince and marry him with shining eyes. But the stars in her eyes will soon turn into poisonous daggers, because, once he has got what he wants, good old Tom will immediately revert to his former self: baggy, worn jeans and a dirty T-shirt, right down to the dried shaving-cream splashes on the bathroom mirror and yesterday’s discarded laundry strewn around the bathroom. Tom will sprawl on the sofa in front of the television, engrossed in football or some other equally unappealing sport, while Thea cooks, washes clothes, struggles with a lawnmower too large for her height, or washes the car in the blazing midday sun. “Flowers? You wanted flowers, darling? What now? If you want flowers, go and pick some. As far as I remember, our garden is full of them.”
I think the picture is clear. Respect has already broken out the window, because Tom no longer makes sense to be afraid of something. After all, Tom is far from the last guy in the neighborhood. Maybe he's not too good with a lawnmower, but he knows how to have fun. Thea should be grateful for the fact that he, Tom, took her as a wife! Indulging in such smug thoughts, Tom does not even notice that Thea’s smile has long reflected not adoration, but contempt. The same principle applies at work.
Suppose your boss suddenly says that he wants to see you exactly in 14:00, but does not talk about what. At the same time, there are fears - quite strong, especially if you failed to fulfill his last assignment on time. A wide variety of thoughts and questions run through my head: "Oh! Will I be fired?", "Maybe just reprimanded?" "I wonder if the prizes will be taken away?", "What the hell does he want to talk about?"
This feeling of fear and uncertainty makes you become extremely attentive and behave much more respectfully than usual. At the specified time, exactly at two o’clock in the afternoon, when you enter the chief’s office confusedly, one consideration remains: to remain respectful, to remain alert and, of course, to be very careful.
Thus, if you want to make your relationship pleasant and deep, you should remain fully aware. To achieve this, one cannot afford to remain complacent, forget about fear, or lose respect.
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
Life is based on pairs of opposites: positive and negative, spirit and man, male and female.
Turning to the example of Tom and Thea, we are faced with an age-old problem that is associated with the true essence of the male and female nature. Do you know what its meaning is? Perhaps you have long ago abandoned all hopes to understand this problem and come to terms with its existence?
Here it is, the moment when you need to put aside social conditioning — at least for those few minutes while you read my explanations. Listen well enough, and you’ll love what I say.
I am not asking for blind trust. On the contrary, I suggest that you get a general idea of the matter and then try to test my words on your own experience. If this is useful, you will no longer need to convince. Either way, there is no point in denying something before you know it; there is no point in giving up something without actually being convinced of its futility.
In the event that you apply the proposed techniques in practice, and they will not help you, first of all you should make sure that you have done everything right. Otherwise, try again and see what happens. Finally, if you are absolutely sure that you did everything right, but my approach does not help, just throw this book out the window!
So, what is the most important difference between a man and a woman? Nature is designed in such a way that a man is a hunter. Thus, it is the man who is obliged to go to work and bring home food.
On the other hand, a woman who remains a container of the mysteries of conception and childbirth usually stays at home to take care of the family and home. We’ll talk more about all of this in more detail in future books, so now I’ll just formulate this extremely important principle and talk about it as much as is necessary for our current purposes.
What does that mean? Simply put, this means that the man - the one who produces life-giving sperm - is mainly interested in the world around him. The genitals of a man are located outside, he secretes sperm into the outside world. A man must sow fields around his house in order to grow food; similarly, he must find a wife and sow his sperm, which will multiply his kind.
This means that a man instinctively considers himself part of the larger external world. He understands that in order to grow a crop and find a wife, he needs to achieve harmony with the world around him. In this regard, it should be noted that, in the end, for a man there is only himself and the world around him, and his existence, as well as the well-being of the family, depends very much on how harmonious the relationship of a man with a huge and quite cruel world. It is easy to quarrel with a neighbor because of a reliable hedge around the house, but in the event that a business competitor takes unequivocal action in trying to take over you, there is no valor without caution. It is very nice to be a hunter hunting a deer, but to become the object of persecution of a hungry lion is not so exciting: if the hunter is not well acquainted with the world around him (and this is possible only with a harmonious relationship with him), the lion will very soon satisfy his hunger.
A woman is engaged in the hearth and family, and the outside world does not bother her so much. Female genital organs are inside the body, where conception and pregnancy occur. Thus, a woman first of all takes care of the unborn child in her womb, and later - about the newborn baby in the cave where the whole family lives. This means that the woman is essentially cut off from the outside world. As a result, she turns to herself in search of answers to questions about how, for example, to better educate children, maintain order and warmth in the cave, since this cave is a symbolic reflection of her own inner cavity - the uterus. For this reason, a woman instinctively feels that she needs to turn inward, and the inner world worries her much more than the outer one.
From this follows the main difference: to become a good hunter, a man needs to develop a harmonious relationship with the world around him, while a woman who is looking for all the necessary answers in herself is increasingly immersed in analysis, which brings her clarity in solving any task.
The general consequence of this primary difference is that a man learns to think in order to outwit his victim and find the best place to sow, and a woman who needs to achieve well-being in her home and inner cavity learns to trust her instinct, that is, internal sensations.
APPLICATION OF OWN KNOWLEDGE
Real thinking has nothing to do with inner dialogue.
It is sad enough to admit that no one teaches us to think in the true sense of the word, although everyone approves of logical thinking. Each of us is a real expert in juggling abstract concepts. They inevitably cause a variety of emotions, which give rise to new thoughts and concepts, and those, in turn, new emotions. Thus, we very rarely think for real and usually just conduct the so-called internal dialogue.
If you want to be honest with yourself, do you often think “healthy”? So, for example, as now.
“Why does he ask such questions? (Surfaced eyebrows) Who gave him the right to decide whether I can think healthy or not? Just like yesterday's guy who hinted I was trying to cheat him, even though I just forgot to pay the bill on time. Oh, my God! (Panic) Good thing I remembered! I guess I forgot to tell the kids I couldn't get them out of school in time. So I can't think straight! That's right! (Indignation) Arrogant fool! What do you do, call the school? (Wobbles) Hmm, what does the principal think? (Annoyance and concern) Damn it! So I can't think straight! Or maybe I should..."
Does it remind you of anything? This is what is called internal dialogue, which is the complete opposite of true thinking. Real thinking does not take time, it always remains accurate and clear, since it is an instant memory or registration of knowledge. However, to understand what it really is, you should understand that there is a big difference between real knowledge and information.
Information is information about something previously unknown, which invariably comes from some external source: from another person, from a book, radio and television programs, and so on. On the other hand, knowledge comes from within, something to tell you exactly because you have experienced it in the past or feel it right now. For example, if you have never been to France, but have read many books about it, then you have a lot of information about this country. However, if you came to France and visited several cities, you will learn this country from personal experience.
No matter how many books you have read about France and how often you have talked to people who have been there, you can’t claim to know this country until you get there yourself. Thus, for you personally, France remains something unknown, just you can have some information about it. However, once there, you can rightfully say that you know France, have knowledge about it. In this case, this country will already become something known to you. Let’s get back to talking about men and women. We need to clearly understand the difference between knowledge, personal experience and information, because in order to accurately define the roles of men and women, we need to understand what is meant by the known and the unknown.
Let's talk about the man, the hunter. Of course, he can hunt only because of his knowledge. In other words, he has to constantly remember what he knows, and therefore the man is mainly interested in the already known. Of course, he can conduct experiments with information received from outside, but will not know whether it is useful or not until he tries these facts in practice. In search of solutions to emerging problems, a woman constantly has to turn to herself. This means that she is constantly faced with the unknown, that is, the unknown lies in her.
This is the most important test of a woman: unlike a man who tries to leave his mark in the external world known to him, a woman should comprehend the unknown, look for unknown answers, and for this she plunges into unknown inner depths.
In turn, this implies that when faced with the unknown, there is simply nothing to think about - for the simple reason that there is no previous knowledge and memories about it. Thus, when a woman is immersed in the unknown, she is essentially trying to overcome a previously unknown test and becomes a pioneer in the literal sense of the word. At the same time, like all pioneers, a woman can rely on only one thing: on her own instinct, on the ability to feel the way in the dark, in the darkness of the unknown.
From all the above it does not follow that women do not think at all, and men do not feel anything. I am simply describing the fundamental difference between the approaches of a real man and a real woman.
A man often has to rely on feelings, but even in these cases he is still inclined to think, that is, comparing his feelings with accumulated knowledge.
Similarly, a woman often acts on the basis of her knowledge, but because she is always more concerned about the inner world, even more often she feels that in these circumstances her knowledge will not be enough to get all the answers. So, even when thinking about the situation and remembering her knowledge, a woman remains inclined to instinctively feel the unknown.
FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS ARE NOT THE SAME
Emotions will always show the way to true feeling.
Feelings can be described as intuition, sensation or simply a gut feeling. As for emotions, we all know very well what they are. Strangely enough, there is only one basic emotional response — desire.
Desire can be defined by the words "I want", which are the simplest verbal expression of emotions. However, desire has four different manifestations: fear, anger, sadness, and joy.
Fear is the desire to run away, anger is the desire to come into conflict, sadness is the desire to change something, and joy is the desire to live. Think about those definitions. You will soon understand its deep meaning. When we evaluate these manifestations from the point of view of a real man and a real woman, we will again easily notice the differences, if not in their application, then in the approach itself.
For a man, he exists himself and the outside world, and therefore he is inclined to think. For a woman, she and her inner world exist; as a result, she relies more on feelings and at the same time learns to work with emotions more consciously than a man does.
Let's take an example. John and Barbara had a dispute. Both are angry and eager to fight. At first, they fight each other: Barbara claims that John, in her opinion, does not care about her at all, and John angrily claims that Barbara is completely agitated. Of course, John snatches the sword of the famous.
Since he cannot recall any known cases of his own inattention, he demands that Barbara give him at least one example. On the other hand, Barbara cannot name anything specific and describe any particular example that would seem to John justified. The reason is that now it is full of all sorts of feelings and, therefore, is already waving the sword of the unknown!
I am sure that you have been in similar situations dozens of times. In her actions, Barbara relies on the unknown, foreboding and flair, but John wants an answer from her based on something known. Because she can’t give him a clear answer — that is, an answer he could think of — John vortom jumps out of the house, without doubting that his wife is just crazy.
Barbara stays home alone and takes care of the children, the dog, the parrot, the laundry, the kitchen and the garden. There is only one way out: to direct your anger (emotions) to find the answers you need. She decides to find an exact answer to the reasons for the feeling that her husband is not caring enough, and then directs all her anger to explore the depths of her inner unknown.
As for John, he is already driving in the car on the road and directs his anger (emotions) to try to think about the madness of his wife. However, he is unable to find any reasonable answers to his questions, and then he unconsciously begins to feel what his wife seems to have tried to explain to him. Having experienced this feeling, John stops the car and begins to analyze his feelings, that is, compare them with what he knows about his own behavior.
Either way, we can clearly see that it is emotions that always guide us to feel the right way in the dark — unless, of course, we interfere with this completely natural process. Unfortunately, most of the time people just don’t pay attention to it.
Thus, instead of letting his anger make him feel new, John most often just vengeful rushes into the pub in the hope of finding himself some accomplice in the crime, who sympathetically discuss with him the unreasonableness of all women.
As for Barbara, she also rarely allows anger to lead her to deeper feelings, and usually also looks for a sister in misfortune or simply sinks into self-hatred, that is, feels completely stupid, unworthy of such a smart husband.
But all these scenes are unnecessary. If both men and women at least for a moment thought that the functions of their thinking differ no less than the anatomical structure, they would not be surprised that they have the right to different approaches to life. In the next section, we will talk about how to reconcile these differences, how to achieve a reasonable cooperation between a man and a woman — instead of throwing at each other with two swords, by definition, have a completely different nature.
WHAT IS REAL LOVE?
The cornerstone of true love is intelligent cooperation.
Love for your spouse, child, boss or parrot is not a guarantee that the spouse will be eternally faithful to you, the child will not rebel against your beneficial care, the boss will not reduce your position, and the parrot will not bite you by the finger when trying to clean his cage.
The way most people understand love has nothing to do with intelligent cooperation. Generally speaking, nowadays the definitions of the word “love” and the strange set of feelings associated with it have been so blurred that there is simply no exact definition left! Defined and redefined, this concept has become just a vague justification for the most diverse vices, prejudices and biased opinions that make up most of human baggage - a cargo so heterogeneous in its content that it can no longer find anything pleasant for the eye.
However, it is even more unpleasant that people put all this chaotic load around the neck of their loved ones - and woe to someone who dares to think for even a moment about whether or not to throw off this rough yoke! But the clap on the neck is not love. A yoke is a yoke, no matter what we are trying to justify the enslavement of another being.
True love, on the contrary, is an extremely refined feeling, and that is why it is impossible to give a verbal definition. True love is expressed only in practice. For this reason, we show our love in our actions towards others. True love is not an attempt to force the other person to live up to the demands that most people associate with “love.” I think you know what I'm talking about.
"Show me that you love me, give me the slippers." "If you love me, you shouldn't speak in that tone." "If you loved me, you'd give me more pocket money and never forbid me from staying at a friend's for the night." "If you really loved me, you wouldn't try to get your secretary on his knees." "You love me, don't you? Do it, do it, don't do it, don't do it..." And so on and so forth - and the true meaning of the word "love" is becoming more and more distorted.
Showing love has nothing to do with slippers and money for small expenses. It is a manifestation of wisdom in cooperation. "Let me get you some slippers, and you'll have a fireplace in the meantime. That way we can save time - time we can spend together," "I'd love to pay you for the mowed lawn in front of the house. You'll have more pocket money, and I'll save on the gardener."
True love means joint responsibility for creating the desired conditions of life - an environment that evokes a sense of trust, faith in another person, reliability and, above all, cordiality. Since true love is unconditional, it can only arise when two people are ready for reasonable cooperation aimed at building a special relationship. These relationships are built not on dreams (which are rarely fulfilled), but on mutual respect, comradeship and sincere cordiality. He said, “If you win, I will win, and I will win,” and he said, “Why don’t you help me win?”
Wherever there is reasonable cooperation, there is inevitably real, unconditional love. It makes no sense to define it, because the actions and relationships of two people speak for themselves.
To understand how best to achieve reasonable cooperation, it is necessary to carefully assess those manifestations of social conditioning that are associated with men and women, and in particular with romantic relationships.
So, think back to all that you have been taught about men and women, and then for a moment think about: what part of this information is directly related to what should be the relationship between them? Do you know a lot about smart collaboration? If the information you receive is correct enough, then this information should clearly describe how to achieve such cooperation.
But the truth is, none of us have ever been taught what it means to be a man or a woman. We know even less about reasonable cooperation. Among other things, in the modern world, few people realize that both men and women are essentially hermaphrodites, that is, in every man there is a hidden female principle, and in every woman there is a male one.
Anatomical differences between the sexes are only material manifestations of the approach we are to adopt in our present life, one of many in the evolution of awareness.
This means that, having received a male body, we are obliged to put on a thoughtful look and go through the world with a high banner of reason. If we got a female body, we should get a nose pad to wipe away tears and wave after his man, and then go back to the depths of his cave, his uterus, his feelings.
However, even men have their own inner cave: the ability to feel, feel “inside”.
On the other hand, women also have a hidden banner of prudence that helps her move in the darkness of the unknown, this endless maze of human feelings.
However, it should be understood that "inside" is not the uterus, and female logic is different from male. For a man, the instinct is innate, the initial understanding that now he is here and should go there. For this reason, his reason is straightforward and obeys the laws of logic.
For women, feeling is an ever-present, evolving and growing awareness that there is no need to go anywhere, as it is here that one should stay. For this reason, her prudence moves in a circle and is more associated with the careful collection of all the pieces and fragments of the whole, which is necessary to stay right here and right now.
The Concept of Mirror
You are not your behavior.
If we want to understand all these mysterious issues, it is extremely important to come to terms with the idea that we are mysterious creatures and in our nature there are many aspects that are not known to us. From time to time, people once again make one fatal mistake: they believe that they have already known themselves. In fact, we know only one thing - how our behavior affects the actions of others.
Suppose someone says, “I know myself well. If you step on my foot, I'll give you change. If you take my wife away, I'll fold your neck. If you buy me an ice cream, well, that's nice, but what do you really want to do about it?"
Such words demonstrate bias rather than genuine wisdom. Can such reactions to the actions of others really tell us anything about who we really are? For example, when I switch the transmission of my car, it responds in a certain way to this action. When you try to change my mind, I react accordingly. I know how my car reacts to my actions, but that doesn’t help me at all. I know how I react to some actions of others, but this does not explain why they cause me joy, sadness, anger or stupid actions.
Such observations can bring only one result: any person will quickly understand that when switching speeds, my car behaves not at all as stubbornly as I do when they try to persuade me to a different point of view! In general, people only learn to play mutual accusations.
"Why are you so stubborn?"
"Am I stubborn? You are stubborn!”
You know, right? It’s not that people blame each other. The problem lies in the fact that they never realize that everyone around them is just a mirror. Imagine that you shave in front of a bathroom mirror and all the while grumbling about your stubborn wife, stubborn children, dogs and bosses.
But the person in the mirror with whom you are talking is you! In other words, if you are stubborn, then stubbornness will certainly be reflected in all mirrors. If you are free in your views, the mirrors will show you the same openness.
So the trouble is not the blame game itself. Just remember that if we do not like the face in the mirror, it is not the mirror that is to blame and not the Lord God - we ourselves are to blame for looking so ugly!
The principle of mirrors applies not only to behavior, but also to our actions. If you steal stationery at work or "decide" that no one will notice, if today you go home immediately after lunch, then you should not be outraged when the child secretly pulls the change out of your pocket, and the tramp passing by "decides" that you will not notice the loss of a couple of items from the rope for drying linen. What is visible is reflected, and mirrors tend to reflect everything indiscriminately.
People are not even aware of the existence of mirrors, as they usually talk only with pleasant mirrors - those that reflect only their attractive sides. "Ah! What a lovely girl! She is so like me in my youth: this wonderful blush, beautiful hair and a charming smile. “Look at that ugly kid! When you're not in the mood, you look exactly the same. Oh, my God, what an evil look he has! Why don't you teach your offspring good manners?"
I think you know what I mean. If you want to know more about the true nature of mirrors, refer to my other books.
The most important aspect of this principle is that without any mirror, we simply are not able to see our own inner self, to evaluate our behavior. This is especially true of our hidden shadow half. Both men and women need to enter into relationships with members of the opposite sex, as this allows you to catch your own reverse side. Only through the study of women, a man can understand the difference between male and female sex - not only to realize the hidden female principle in himself, but also to understand what it means to be a real man.
To understand this surrounded by the same ignorant and confused men is simply impossible. In a purely male society, you can learn only one thing: to drink a lot, walk and talk in cowboy “masculinely”, as well as boast about their sexual exploits.
In short, members of your own sex can pass on only social conditioning. But the moment your wife sees you arrive home drunk, tries to suppress a chuckle at your chest puffed out so manfully, or turns towards the wall because she “has a headache”, you must either engage in mutual accusations or search your soul for something genuine and profound.
I gave an example related to the male sex, but the same applies to women's society.
The bottom line is that men and women are equal, but not the same. So instead of going to war between the sexes and blaming each other for all the sins, we should study the opposite sex. As a result, we will better understand not only its representatives, but also ourselves.
In the next section, we will move on to the practical, everyday side of this issue and talk about it in more detail.
The world is made up of mothers and little boys.
The evolution of awareness is divided into three stages: mother, man and woman. The goal of evolution is not only to develop all three aspects of awareness, but also to reconcile them, that is, to achieve reasonable cooperation between them.
In the introduction, I promised that I would also talk about technical issues. Now I am going to keep my promise. For this reason, anyone who wants to learn more about the information that is summarized in this section can refer to my other books. They will help to better understand what will now be outlined only in a brief outline.
Although people do not notice this, the modern world is mainly a product of one of the aspects of awareness, which is described by the concept of motherhood. Generally speaking, it is this aspect that most of our actions, thoughts and emotions obey.
For example, “If you’re going to leave the house, wear something more decent. What will people think of you?" "Today, try to be polite to your boss. If you don't show respect, no one will let you leave work early." "They told you to spend more time in school. If you were a good student, you would be making a lot more money right now.”
Regardless of who makes such remarks — your real mother, wife (or husband), friend, or just an inner voice — it means that you still think, feel, and behave like a boy or a girl. Children need someone to tell them what to do and approve of their actions. Of course, the most important thing is the approval of the mother! However, if we want someone to tell us what to do, what to think, what to feel and talk about, can we talk about some reasonable cooperation?
Whenever a marriage or romantic relationship breaks down on a rocky shore, there is no doubt that the woman acted in the mode of the mother, and the man in the mode of a small boy. At first, this problem is not so noticeable, but after the relationship loses its novelty, the man gets tired of constant instructions, and the woman is dissatisfied with the fact that she always has to explain to the man what to do. Soon, such dialogues begin to flow between them:
Man: Stop telling me what I have to do! You think I'm an idiot?
Woman: Can't you think with your head? Well, how could you arrange a meeting with your friends at the bar, because you know that today is my mother's birthday!
Man: So where to turn?
Woman: Not this turn, but the next.
Man: What's wrong with this one? After all, who is driving?
Woman: But you asked yourself where to turn!
Man: Yes I remember, but this turn is no worse than the next.
Man: Can we go out for dinner?
Woman: Yeah, that would be nice.
Man: Fine! Where would you like to go?
Woman: In some cozy restaurant. I don't care.
Man: Goddamn it, can you speak more accurately? Well, get the rest of your mind! I asked where you wanted to go!
Woman: Listen up, dumbass! If I tell you where I want to go, you'll tell me I'm always in charge.
Most of these scenes take place in the bedroom soon after the man, burning with the desire to please his “mom”, begins to feel somewhat constrained, because the “mom” is already tired of loving his “baby” and explaining to him what is possible and what is impossible. Here is another standard scene:
Man: Why are you so cold with me?
Woman: I'm not cold, I'm just tired.
Man: Maybe I can entertain you somehow?
Woman: I don't know... My head hurts, let's sleep.
A similar scenario is played out in the workplace, even if its heroes are a male boss and a male subordinate, but we will talk about this later. So far, I’m just trying to outline the following principle: the modern world is still completely subject to maternal awareness, and men and women are trying in one way or another to achieve the approval of the mother.
Don’t be fooled by the conventional belief that we live in a patriarchal society! The fact that in antiquity the gods defeated the goddesses, and our society is just beginning to get out of the quagmire of gender inequality, male chauvinism and female slavery, is explained only by the fact that little boys for a while rebelled against the tyrannical rule of mothers. However, despite the duration of the uprising, the mother is still a face of inviolability - however, somewhat dishonored and, of course, very dissatisfied! What will be the final result? Men — or rather, little boys — will fall to her knees and, tormented by remorse for their bad behavior, will begin to beg for forgiveness!
What now? Undoubtedly, the time of fearless knights in shining armor and brave hunters has already sunk into the past. In a world that must pay its price for a crime against its mother, there is no room for heroes! Once the heroes have already got their chance, everything has been spoiled and now they can no longer be given the opportunity to again question the authority of the mother.
What do we do now? I think you already know that it is not rebellion and enslavement that is necessary, but reasonable cooperation. The maternal aspect has a right to exist and cannot be destroyed or suppressed. The fact is that little boys should grow up, learn to appreciate the wisdom of the mother, and then look for ways to cooperate with her - and at the same time it is not necessary to cling to her apron. In other words, it is time for men to become real men, because any mother will begin to trust her son if he showed himself to be an excellent hunter. On the other hand, no sane woman will not leave the baby unattended, who constantly demonstrates his irresponsibility, and then even rude!
So, the question arises: who is a real man and what role does a real woman play in all this? Very soon we will talk about this, but for now it is important to emphasize that a woman is inherently dual in nature. This means that every woman has two sides: maternal and feminine.
FOUR
SECOND CONDITION: CHANGE OF REPRESENTATIONS ABOUT THESESESELF
If you want to change, throw away the old ideas about yourself.
Captain Life's second condition is, "You must take no clothes or shoes except a plain white sheet." In other words, it means that you have to discard your previous self-image and stay in natural simplicity. The most serious difficulty in a person’s life is that he stumbles over and over again about his own ideas about himself. The image of yourself is a rather complex structure consisting of your opinion of yourself and self-esteem, that is, the significance that you attribute to yourself.
A person often evaluates himself in terms of life circumstances - for example, as a married woman who has a spouse, children, a position as a school teacher, some kind of passion, a certain temperament, a couple of good abilities for something and, of course, name and origin.
However, it should be understood that all these signs are secondary, because they can only be due to the fact that we have a material body. Can you be a mother without a body? How to show your talent for music if you do not have material hands?
As for the bloodline and name, they depend solely on the circumstances of birth. Can we say that we are our body? Someone really thinks so! Others think they are their minds. Still others consider themselves a combination of body, mind and soul, spirit or something else, no less vague and ephemeral. Finally, some people don’t think about it at all!
What do you think? Have you ever thought about it? As for me, I can only honestly admit that I do not know the truth.
But I know for sure that I am not my body, my emotions, and my mind, because I am able to control all this. The fact that I manage to control what I do, feel and think suggests that somewhere in the depth, behind all this, there is that essence that I gradually begin to learn. I already understand that this essence is my real self - and it does not cease to amaze me with its vastness, mystery and incredible complexity.
Often I simply die of silent admiration for the truly magical abilities that this innermost entity called “man” possesses. On the other hand, this inner essence is surprisingly simple, and therefore we can comprehend the amazing potentialities of a person only by returning to childlike immediacy (this, of course, does not mean that we need to fall into childhood).
In other words, it is possible to feel who we really are only after we throw away the endless tangle of ideas about ourselves around us.
What to do with these presentations? The answer is surprisingly simple. Since a person is not a material body, you can safely stop thinking about yourself all sorts of nonsense only because "such thick beds can launch a Boeing into the stratosphere" or "my face looks like a bus cab."
Since we are not our emotions, stop pandering to the guilt caused by being so hot.
If you’re not your mind, don’t consider yourself a complete idiot just because you’re not a computer genius.
In other words, if you are not your status as a married woman, mother or school teacher, there is no point in tormenting yourself with thoughts of your own insolvency due to the fact that your husband has an affair, your son has become a homosexual and a drug addict, your minor daughter is pregnant, and half of your class has failed the last exam. Instead, it is better to engage in self-knowledge, and then you may be able to understand why all these “horror” happened to you.
However, first of all, you should discard all the junk that you carry around as a burden, and try to move on to simple views on life.
The simplest approach available is childlike immediacy. For a child, there is only the most important thing, and what is happening right here and right now becomes important! So, I look at myself well, and what do I see? I see that I have a material body (no matter what it looks like), and this is very different from the body of another being, which for some unknown reason is called a woman.
Yeah! Here is a woman, and here I am a creature, for no less incomprehensible reason, called a man. What does all this mean? Generally speaking, the exact definitions of children simply do not care, they are much more interesting to study the "action" of the subjects under consideration. It is a natural question: what do men do and what do women do?
We already know something, and we can at least say that a man is a hunter. But it is also important to remember that there is an inner opposite in each of us. This means that in a woman there is a masculine principle, and in a man there is a feminine one. Furthermore, we know that a man as a hunter understands the need for harmony with the world around him, since this is a condition for his own survival and success in tracking down the victim - regardless of whether it is a real beast or some other "victim", for example, managing his own business. But now we need to talk more about what that means.
First of all, it should be noted that we can not afford to go hunting with those ideas about ourselves that constantly make us steps.
"Hey, you! Why do you think you can yell at me?”
"You bastard! Get off your fucking leg!"
"Listen up, asshole! I sell good, ripe peas, and there's nothing to lie about being old!"
“Excuse me, but could you take your dirty paws off my snow-white dress?”
Having gathered to hunt for game, you simply can not afford to "get into a pose." This, in turn, means that you should strive to separate yourself and your ideas about yourself, and even better - to get rid of such ideas completely. Remember one magic word: detachment. This is our only defense against the insidious trappings of self-image. Whenever you face some kind of challenge, remind yourself to step away from your own image of yourself. Otherwise, you will quickly notice that you have again broken down, attacked your victim with furious cries and mercilessly stab her with your spear! Sooner or later you will realize that you are piercing the air with a spear, the victim has long eluded and, although there is a smell of blood around, this is your blood, since you have stuck a spear in your own leg.
A familiar painting? Of course, the consequences can be worse: coming to your senses, you can be horrified to realize that the little fluffy animal, which you so fiercely tried to nail with a spear to the ground, suddenly turned into a huge lion, and your heroic abilities are not very impressive! The boss at work? Looking back at such cases, with painful clarity, you understand how wiser it would be not to lose heart, to remain in harmony with the world around you!
ACHIEVEMENT OF HARMONY BY CONFLICT
All awareness is relative.
Concepts such as man and woman are not absolute — they are some meanings we temporarily assign to a state of awareness by comparing it to other states.
At the beginning of the work on their own ideas about themselves, it should be noted that the concepts of "male" and "female" refer not only to the division by sex, but also describe certain states of awareness, which are constantly manifested in any person regardless of gender. Let us call this phenomenon the relative factor of awareness.
Moreover, it should be noted that any awareness is developed through two main intermediaries: first, a universal law called “Harmony through Conflict” and, secondly, the phenomenon that we called the principle of mirrors.
Oddly enough, new knowledge can be obtained only through conflict, because where there is no confrontation, there are no incentive reasons - there is no push, the desire to learn something new. In order to gain new knowledge and thus develop awareness, trials must be overcome, and any test is inevitably associated with one or another of the conflicts, even if it remains purely internal, such as the contradiction between what we think and what we feel. As for the principle of mirrors, we have discussed it before, although I strongly recommend that you read about this extremely important concept in my other books.
Because of their low self-esteem, people usually do not pay attention to the Law of Harmony through Conflict. Instead of rejoicing at the trials that have arisen, they simply mourn their evil fate and complain that they have been in so much trouble. However, as already noted, in the absence of conflicts, the development of awareness would cease, and life would quickly lose its meaning and content.
If you evaluate life completely objectively, it is not so difficult to understand. When a person is honest with himself, he quickly realizes that any conflict situation in reality represents an opportunity to practice reasonable cooperation - either with another person or with the whole world. Let’s look at this with an example.
Imagine that you gave your car to the garage for repair, and returning to her, found that the results do not meet your expectations. It is obvious that several possible behaviors are open to you.
First, you can keep quiet, go home and there tearfully complain to your wife about the bad work of auto mechanics.
Secondly, you can pretend to be very busy and the next day send your wife to the garage so that she can solve all the controversial issues herself.
Thirdly, you can call your lawyer and arrange for him to conduct this fight instead of you, but then you will have to pay for such a service!
Fourth, you can turn to your own low self-esteem for help — let it conflict; but it will mean that you will simply give all power to your petty tyrant, who will attack all the garage workers, will scream and scream, will show himself a real jerk, and in conclusion will declare that he will not pay for such repairs. If you go this way, you just turn everyone around against yourself, you will not achieve any cooperation and sooner or later, you will leave with nothing.
On the other hand, you can treat the current circumstances as another test that will help you accumulate more knowledge and life experience. In this case, the situation will enrich you with knowledge and strength. With this choice, we must not forget that power lies in the current moment and therefore you need to act immediately - at least as quickly as possible. As for the actions themselves, it is enough to go directly to the head of the garage and politely, but firmly state the essence of the problem, clearly noting that you are dissatisfied with the work of the auto mechanic.
It is very simple, and I do not think that such an approach can lead to any negative consequences. Everyone will do their best if you start a conversation with them by saying, “Listen! We're having a little trouble, can we discuss it and solve the problem?" On the other hand, if you break into the workshop and yell "God! What have you done to my car?!', any person will immediately release his own underestimated self-esteem, dig in and become, to put it mildly, rather unfriendly.
In all such circumstances, it is important to remember that other people come into our lives not to bully us, but, on the contrary, in order to bring us new opportunities to accumulate life experience, that is, to hunt for knowledge and, consequently, strength - regardless of whether the tests that arise are pleasant or unpleasant. In fact, any of our actions is the action of a hunter, and it does not matter why we went on such a hunt: to help others, to get food (for example, in a store), to find warm relationships (for example, friendly) or interesting work, to achieve a high salary, or to ask for time off.
If you do not forget that you just went hunting, you can not forget that each person has his own burden of fears, doubts and, above all, low self-esteem. When you go fishing or shooting, you are not discouraged by those cases when the trout leaves the hook, and the deer is so impolite that it breaks away from the spot, as soon as you take it on the fly, - while you do not feel a victim of circumstances or the object of bullying.
In this sense, the surrounding people are no different from animals. Moreover, they know that you are hunting them just as they are hunting someone else. So, if you want the deer to stay in place, you need to sneak up on it very carefully, rather than jumping out of the bushes with a noise, loudly explaining that you can not survive without food. Similarly, if you want your boss to raise your salary, you need to carefully track him, too. You will not achieve anything if you simply break into his office and declare that you are not able to exist on such a meager salary!
What do you mean, track down? Stalking is a special form of manipulation, a pronounced desire to get what you want from another person, but it must be done in such a way that the result will benefit both. Manipulation usually means the ability to force another person to satisfy your own selfish interests, most often at someone else’s expense. Stalking, by contrast, involves the ability to push the other person to reasonable cooperation that will benefit and therefore win for both of you.
The techniques of traditional manipulation are closely related to the game of mutual accusations, since this is a clear boundary between a person and the surrounding world, which never becomes what a person wants to see him. However, stalking does not rely on the accusation, but on unification: “Everything that is happening right now is an opportunity for me and my opponent to accumulate new knowledge and strength.” To see how this manifests itself in practice, let’s go back to the example of bad auto repair.
So, you go to the head of the workshop and politely, but firmly inform him that you are not satisfied with the repair, and then explain in detail what exactly you are dissatisfied with. You are already manipulating this person (say, his name is Rudy): you have made him not only listen to you carefully, but also take certain actions in your favor. Moreover, you did not accuse him of anything, and therefore forced him to move from a defensive reaction to a desire to cooperate with you and together find a solution to the problem that arose - however, not even a problem, but rather a mutual opportunity to gain new knowledge from personal experience. Everything that happens after that depends only on how carefully and skillfully you will continue stalking Rudy! You can ask him to take you home or to work until the mechanics solve the problem; on the other hand, you can ask Rudy to give you another car for a while.
Anyway, if you focus on trying to get Rudy involved, you can be sure that your car will be repaired properly without additional costs to forget that the power lies in the current moment and therefore you need to act immediately - at least as soon as possible. As for the actions themselves, it is enough to go directly to the head of the garage and politely, but firmly state the essence of the problem, clearly noting that you are dissatisfied with the work of the auto mechanic.
It is very simple, and I do not think that such an approach can lead to any negative consequences. Everyone will do their best if you start a conversation with them by saying, “Listen! We're having a little trouble, can we discuss it and solve the problem?" On the other hand, if you break into the workshop and yell "God! What have you done to my car?!', any person will immediately release his own underestimated self-esteem, dig in and become, to put it mildly, rather unfriendly.
In all such circumstances, it is important to remember that other people come into our lives not to bully us, but, on the contrary, in order to bring us new opportunities to accumulate life experience, that is, to hunt for knowledge and, consequently, strength - regardless of whether the tests that arise are pleasant or unpleasant. In fact, any of our actions is the action of a hunter, and it does not matter why we went on such a hunt: to help others, to get food (for example, in a store), to find warm relationships (for example, friendly) or interesting work, to achieve a high salary, or to ask for time off.
If you do not forget that you just went hunting, you can not forget that each person has his own burden of fears, doubts and, above all, low self-esteem. When you go fishing or shooting, you are not discouraged by those cases when the trout leaves the hook, and the deer is so impolite that it breaks away from the spot, as soon as you take it on the fly, - while you do not feel a victim of circumstances or the object of bullying.
In this sense, the surrounding people are no different from animals. Moreover, they know that you are hunting them just as they are hunting someone else. So, if you want the deer to stay in place, you need to sneak up on it very carefully, rather than jumping out of the bushes with a noise, loudly explaining that you can not survive without food. Similarly, if you want your boss to raise your salary, you need to carefully track him, too. You will not achieve anything if you simply break into his office and declare that you are not able to exist on such a meager salary!
What do you mean, track down? Stalking is a special form of manipulation, a pronounced desire to get what you want from another person, but it must be done in such a way that the result will benefit both. Manipulation usually means the ability to force another person to satisfy your own selfish interests, most often at someone else’s expense. Stalking, by contrast, involves the ability to push the other person to reasonable cooperation that will benefit and therefore win for both of you.
The techniques of traditional manipulation are closely related to the game of mutual accusations, since this is a clear boundary between a person and the surrounding world, which never becomes what a person wants to see him. However, stalking does not rely on the accusation, but on unification: “Everything that is happening right now is an opportunity for me and my opponent to accumulate new knowledge and strength.” To see how this manifests itself in practice, let’s go back to the example of a bad car repair.
So, you go to the head of the workshop and politely, but firmly inform him that you are not satisfied with the repair, and then explain in detail what exactly you are dissatisfied with. You are already manipulating this person (say, his name is Rudy): you have made him not only listen to you carefully, but also take certain actions in your favor. Moreover, you did not accuse him of anything, and therefore forced him to move from a defensive reaction to a desire to cooperate with you and together find a solution to the problem that arose - however, not even a problem, but rather a mutual opportunity to gain new knowledge from personal experience. Everything that happens after that depends only on how carefully and skillfully you will continue stalking Rudy! You can ask him to take you home or to work until the mechanics solve the problem; on the other hand, you can ask Rudy to give you another car for a while.
Anyway, if you focus on the desire to involve Rudy in cooperation, you can be sure that your car will be repaired properly without additional costs and other inconveniences. In addition, Rudy and you yourself will get a lot of new knowledge through this case - otherwise it would be completely meaningless.
I think you already have a good hundred questions about stalking, but in order to be sure of the simplicity of this technique, it is enough to start applying it in practice. In all circumstances, no matter who you are trying to track down - your boss, husband or children - be guided by the principle of reasonable cooperation.
So, if you get the feeling that someone is trying to use you to their advantage, do not doubt that you are not actually tracking this person, but still playing with mutual accusations. Whenever you return to this game, the surrounding mirrors invariably begin to reflect your own flaws. Attempts to make someone the culprit of the problems that have arisen can serve as a guarantee that this or some other person will also begin to accuse you of something - and then you will certainly feel like a victim of circumstances!
If you master the approach to life described here, that is, the view in terms of reasonable cooperation, you will understand that in reality you never lose, because when you seek cooperation, you achieve it, and after achieving it, you can even take advantage of the obvious “failures” to gain new knowledge and, consequently, strength. However, in order to achieve reasonable cooperation (as opposed to cooperation reluctant and even forced, which rarely brings satisfactory results), you should not forget about the relative factor of awareness. We'll talk about him.
“MEN” AND “WOMEN” — SPECIAL CONDITIONS OF CONSCIOUSNESS
Reason is the source of awareness, but any awareness has two poles.
One is called masculine because it has signs of masculinity and the other feminine because it has signs of femininity.
We are so limited by social conditioning that we believe without a shadow of a doubt that being a man means being courageous, and a woman is always feminine. Our perceptions of ourselves are profoundly shaken when we find that life circumstances often require us to play a role that is characteristic of the opposite sex. For example, if you are a man and work under the direction of another man, then you must often feel deprived of courage, because, in your opinion, the boss does not respect you as a man. Worse, if your boss is female, you will almost always feel inferior, because you have to follow the instructions of a woman. However, both situations represent completely ordinary everyday circumstances, and the fact that you follow the orders of another man or woman does not humiliate your masculinity in any way.
Everything in life is relative. Since life is based on awareness, and awareness has two poles - male and female - life itself is inevitably measured relative to the current level of awareness.
Thus, working under the guidance of a man, you, regardless of your gender, will be more feminine in comparison with the boss; the same will happen if you work under the guidance of a woman - even if you are a real man. Similarly, when you go shopping, you become a “man” compared to a store owner, even if he is a man and you are a woman. A maid who cleans your house once a week is always a woman relative to your wife. As for children, they will be “women” in relation to you as a mother, regardless of gender. In this book it is simply impossible to state all the technical details related to this principle. Therefore, it will be enough to say that every time you receive instructions from someone, you go to the female pole, and giving orders, to the male. In this case, we will assume that the orders are given by a man, because he knows how to set goals, and a woman obeys a man and knows how to carry out his plans (and this invariably allows her to fulfill her own desires).
All this in no way implies that men are somehow better than women. I have already said that they are equal, although they are different from each other. In other words, men and women are equally important, but perform different functions, that is, they play different roles in life. These functions and roles are determined solely by the two poles of awareness: male and female. We did not invent them, but it was we who figured out how to use this to achieve harmony and peaceful coexistence. Imagine you are a man who has to make money. You make the decision to go to work to a person who has his own business and, therefore, some purpose. If you like this work, and you want to stay on it, you have to follow the instructions of the owner, that is, to fulfill its purpose. This is the only way you can achieve your goal: making money. On the other hand, if you do not want to fulfill other people’s orders, do not complain that someone gives you orders, just become the owner yourself, and then you will give instructions.
Similarly, if you are a woman and want to have a husband, and not a stupid "little boy", let him become the real head of the family. Otherwise, you will be married, but, I can assure you, you simply will not have a husband in the true sense of the word. Keeping it under the heel, you will forever strengthen the relationship of mom and baby. If that’s what you want, then be a strict mommy, but please don’t complain when you find out that your husband has an affair with a pretty secretary who obediently obeys all his orders.
Due to the existence of two poles, working with different roles invariably causes certain conflicts, although they are based solely on the feeling of a threat to their masculinity or femininity.
Consider, for example, how often women feel inferior to men.
On the other hand, if you are a man, remember how embarrassing you become at times in the presence of a woman.
However, as already mentioned, the meaning of any conflict is to gain new knowledge. If you want to achieve reasonable cooperation with the world around you, you should pay close attention to the roles you play in this life. Determine in which cases you need to become a male, leading force, and in which to obey such guidance.
We have once again returned to the principle of intelligent cooperation, which is extremely different from grouchy, servile joint activity or the behavior of an elephant in a china shop. Life and everything it gives us depends solely on whether we want to intelligently cooperate with the world around us, and this desire, in turn, relies on our ideas about ourselves, on how well we understand ourselves, how we feel. In order to understand this, we return to the principle of hunting, because now we have touched on its very foundations.
THE HUNTING ROLE
Regardless of gender, the hunter is a man.
People often have the strangest thoughts about why they have problems in communication. First of all, this is due to the fact that they seem to believe that the possession of a male or female body automatically makes them men or women. Although theoretically it should be, we have already seen that in practice, male and female energies are factors of awareness and are determined only relative to each other.
So, even if you are a man with a wide hairy chest, you still need to learn how to realize your potential masculinity, that is, to understand what it means to be a real man.
Similarly, even if a woman uses exotic perfume, dyes her lips with bright lipstick, and Dolly Parton herself envyes her breast, she is still able to scare away any man with her persistent instructions about what to do, how to do it and when exactly - and the only problem is that, despite her appearance, she has not learned to use her potential femininity at all.
To make this clearer, let’s take an example: suppose you and a friend are going fishing. A friend suggests going to a certain place, and you agree, although you are well aware that there is a bad pecking. In this case, you occupy the position of a woman in relation to your friend, since you do not hesitate to obey him. Similarly, if you invite your girlfriend to dinner, but insist that she decides where to go, what wine to drink and what dishes to order, then you also occupy the position of a woman in relation to her - because, despite your male qualities, you still behave like a little boy who went with his mother to the confectionery.
Obviously, if you want to use your male potential and try to be a real man, then, if necessary, you yourself should provide some guidance - of course, while remaining polite to a friend and girlfriend.
For example, when a friend suggests going fishing for a bad place, you can take a male position and explain that there is no cool there, and then be sure to offer another option. In this case, you will remain a real man, because you will set this or that goal; on the other hand, you will not deprive your friend of his masculinity - although now you provide leadership, he has the opportunity to enter into a reasonable cooperation with you and decide together where it is better to go. In other words, by not accepting his leadership and at the same time offering him the opportunity to manage the situation, that is, make the final choice, you provide you both with a chance to remain men. Either way, you’re not forcing a friend to comply with your decision.
You can do the same with your girlfriend. By taking a leadership role in deciding which restaurant to choose, you can stay polite: tell her in advance exactly where you want to go and see if she likes the place. If for some reason she doesn’t want to go there, you should offer another option. The same should be done when choosing wine and everything else. The main thing is that in this case you will remain a real man, as you assume the leading role, but at the same time offer the other person a reasonable cooperation, without denying him the right to his own desires and feelings.
The same principles apply to a woman’s behavior. For example, if you get attention from any man, you should track him down. In other words, you should start hunting not only for a man, but also for a certain relationship with him. But if you start to behave too masculine, and he will be a real man (otherwise why do you need him?), then he will hide from view, barely looking in your direction. If you decide to conduct a real hunt, you must obey his leadership, that is, to behave as femininely as possible.
If you are a real woman and try to achieve a reasonable cooperation with him, all his masculinity will surely wake up in a man - very soon he will become so courageous that he will even offer you a hand and heart. On the other hand, obeying his guidance and remaining feminine, you should be as courageous as possible, since the hunter is always a man. In other words, being a real woman, you should use your inner man in hunting! This applies even to relationships at work. For example, if you are a female leader and want men to strictly follow their orders, you should strive to cause them to show potential signs of a real man, but at the same time remain courageous enough compared to them, because you are their boss.
Here is another example: when a man begins to care for you, he will use his inner femininity to entangle you with a variety of small ties. Remaining charming and frank, he will not only listen to your every word, but also undertake a passionate search for ways to reasonable cooperation with you.
Attention to any desire you have will bring such a man increased sensitivity; relying on intuition, he will obey his feelings, and this will turn him into the best man in the world. So, despite the fact that during the hunt this man will remain a real man, he will still use his inner femininity in search of ways to cause you the most feminine response.
It is important to remember that regardless of gender, the hunter always remains a man. On the other hand, we should not forget that for a successful game, the hunter must behave quite skillfully and outwit his victim. Hunting trick involves stalking, and any stalking is ultimately a reasonable cooperation.
Indeed, we have seen from the examples above that it is necessary for both men and women to enter into reasonable cooperation with their inner opposites in order to cooperate voluntarily with the world around them.
All living things are the result of intelligent cooperation: first, between ourselves and our own inner aspects and, second, between our male or female potential and the world around us.
So, if life is “good”, it is only through success in achieving reasonable cooperation. If it is "bad", then it means that you did not have the skill to achieve such cooperation. If something does not work, the hunt was unsuccessful, that is, your male side is not very experienced in hunting. How to master this art?
RULES OF SMART COOPERATION
The quintessence of masculinity is harmony, and the essence of hunting is reasonable cooperation.
We already know that, as a hunter, a man understands the importance of maintaining harmony with the world around him. In essence, living in harmony with everything around us is a combination of certain interrelated and interdependent principles. Let’s talk about their practical side.
First of all, in order to be able to track down the victim and trap her, the hunter must be well acquainted with his world, but at the same time remain detached from it.
For example, if you want to succeed in business, you should know the subtleties of your occupation one hundred percent - otherwise you will fail. Similarly, if your son has become a drug addict, and you want to save him, it is absolutely necessary for you to get to know all the facets of this problem as much as possible: first of all, to understand why your son turned to drugs at all, then to find out what the drug itself is, what short- and long-term effects it has, to understand your relationship with your son, to try to understand his relationships with other people and the world around him. In short, if you do not immerse yourself in the problem of your son as if you are suffering from drug addiction, you will not be able to save him, because it is not enough to just ask him to become a good boy and never do this again!
On the other hand, a deep understanding of your world can also become a deadly trap. The hunter can become so attached to those animals that he hunts that soon he simply will not be able to hunt them! The hunter will have such a love for them that he will not be able to force himself to kill and then eat his victim! People often get so involved in their work that they sacrifice everything else, including health and family. Similarly, parents of drug addicts do not take all the necessary actions, because they love their children too much and are afraid of being cruel. Lovers do not try to clarify their relationship for fear of offending the feelings of another.
In all such cases, the hunter becomes too attached to his victim — a business enterprise, problems with children or a spouse — and his assessments become one-sided. Refusing to see in the test what it really is, such a person loses objectivity and becomes not a hunter, but an object of hunting.
That’s why it’s always important to stay away. This does not mean that you should be indifferent to what is happening - on the contrary, what is happening is so concerned about you that you do not hesitate to become ruthless, if only it is necessary to achieve the goal.
If you’re in business but don’t want to be ruthless with your competitors, don’t expect success in business. Similarly, if your son is addicted to drugs, and you abandon the ruthless approach, drugs will certainly win, and the child’s life will be destroyed.
What do you prefer? Do you love your job so much that you’re willing to sacrifice your family and your health for it? Are you so attached to your competitors that you will let them destroy your business? Do you love your son enough to let him die of an overdose? Is that true love?
True love begins in ruthlessness, and that in turn is born in detachment, which allows the hunter to overcome his victim. The hunter knows how to be ruthless and detached, because he knows himself perfectly well, and also understands that you should not exhaust your own world.
This statement leads us to the second principle. The hunter is very caring, with great respect for the world around him. Thanks to such care and respect, the hunter never exhausts his reserves and takes from the world only what he really needs. The hunter never takes anything just to take it; he never hunts purely for pleasure. In fact, the hunter does not like to hunt so much, although he does it incredibly virtuoso. That's the whole secret!
Although there are not so many people in the world who are faced with the problem of bullying children, none of the parents actually enjoy the fact that punishes their child. Similarly, many sooner or later learn the lesson of causing suffering, but a real surgeon will never cut the patient for his own pleasure.
Do not spare time to think about this principle, try to understand the importance of what has been said. On the other hand, I have something to warn you about: do not treat the world superficially.
Consider the example of a boss who sees high potential in a devoted and hardworking subordinate. By offering him a raise, promotion, and other incentives, the boss can make the subordinate work even harder. Taking advantage of the dedication and enthusiasm of the employee, the manager will do so until he turns the subordinate into a machine for producing money - because in the name of his career he will forget about other aspects of his life and quickly turn from an inspired and creative young man into a miserable creature who traded everything for greed and business acumen. However, the real culprit will be the boss himself, who not only seduced the subordinate, but also insidiously took advantage of his natural impulses and enthusiasm. However, even worse is that the employee will be incredibly grateful to his boss, believing that he did everything for him. Can such a leader be called caring?
Similarly, is it possible to consider a loving father who manipulates his child, forcing him to do something to which his son does not have a soul, while stating that he thinks only about the welfare of his offspring? Let us move on to the third principle, which is essentially the development of the first.
The hunter knows the habits of his victim. This means that a real hunter must be a good psychologist who has personally realized that the usual actions and predictable behavior of both people and animals are natural traps sufficient to catch them.
Only an inexperienced hunter has to set special traps, but someone who has already learned the habits of a hare, it is enough to lie in his favorite bushes at certain times of the day, wait for the victim to appear and simply grab her by the ears! Of course, I am talking first of all about rabbits with a human face, because ordinary hares have a very thin sense of smell and rarely turn out to be as stupid and frivolous as people!
That is why before starting a hunt it is extremely important to study the habits of the victim. For example, if you want to improve the relationship with your boss, you should identify and understand the main features of his behavior, as well as their causes. In this case, you should be well aware of what affects his mood, how he thinks in different circumstances, what usually does in certain cases and how you can change his mood.
So, if you’re going to ask him for a raise, the smartest approach is to do nothing to make him feel worse — on the contrary, to make him laugh.
In other words, by observing other people’s habits, emotions, and thinking principles, you can always take advantage of the knowledge you gain. Ultimately, this is what is called stalking! We proceed directly to the fourth principle: knowing the habits of his victim, the hunter finds a way to outwit her. It sounds quite banal, but it’s just amazing how often people forget about old-fashioned common sense and begin to make completely rash plans!
Of course, if the hunter places his traps in such a way that the animals immediately notice them, then no animal will fall into them - and, above all, they will not fall into such cautious victims as your boss, cheating spouse or son-offender. For this reason, a really good hunter rarely reveals his tricks before the trap spring snaps. It is enough to think about tracking down your boss in order to get a raise or a spouse who has an affair on the side, and you will quickly understand how this helps in practice.
Finally, we need to talk about the fifth, last and most important principle: the hunter is smart enough to understand that everyone around him is hunting him just like he himself is hunting his victims!
Thus, if your son suddenly arranges a general cleaning in his room, performs everything that is set at home, and washes dishes without constant reminders on your part, you can be sure that he began to track you down, trying to achieve something.
Similarly, if the boss unexpectedly hands you a bouquet of roses, raises the salary and in addition releases immediately after lunch, do not indulge in delights: this is what you are expected to do (lightly euphoria), but you, on the contrary, should behave very carefully. First of all, remember: no matter what you think about your boss, but since he became your leader, he is better at stalking.
Obviously, if the predictable habits of a rabbit make it easy to catch his ears, then you as a hunter should never be frivolous and predictable.
The hunter behaves predictably only if he wants to be caught — a similar trick can come in handy when faced with another good and, therefore, unpredictable hunter.
On the other hand, if you don’t want to become another rabbit, your actions and actions should be unexpected.
For example, if your marriage cracks and you suspect that your husband has a mistress, the real stupidity will be the continuation of the old habit of playing bridge from six to eleven p.m. every Thursday. Going to the game, you just call trouble. On the other hand, if you do not have stable habits, your husband’s chances of having an affair on the side will be minimal.
Among other things, it is likely that such unpredictability will dispel the longing in your family, which may have caused the discord.
In any case, do not forget that predictability means a lack of mobility, and the loss of mobility invariably entails stubbornness, a desire for dominance and a desire to insist on your own. First of all, you will just be bored - and who wants to be faithful to such a nothingness?
USE OF CONFLICT TO SEARCH FOR NEW KNOWLEDGE
New knowledge can only be gained through conflict.
People avoid conflict instead of enjoying it. This does not mean that you should look for every reason to fight - just if conflicts arise by themselves, do not run away. They need to be seen openly and to benefit themselves.
In fact, the general rule is: “If your views are different from mine, it means that we both missed something important.” Of course, the missing link is new knowledge.
If your views don’t align with the other person’s, it’s completely foolish to insist that one of you is wrong. Who says you can’t both be right at the same time? Perhaps you are trying to prove that even if I am right, you are still “more right”?
Only with this understanding can a real hunter use the conflict constructively. Even if only one side of the conflict understands this, both have the opportunity to gain new knowledge.
Remember that someone who understands this will not inflate the conflict - on the contrary, he will try to take advantage of the existing problem to search for new knowledge. More importantly, however, when conflict is used to accumulate new knowledge, the hunter turns the negative into the positive - this is the deep meaning of achieving harmony through conflict.
So, one important question remains: "How to achieve this?"
The answer is very simple, and we have already talked about it: reasonable cooperation. If it is still unclear to you now, it means that you read the book too quickly and did not pay enough attention to it. In that case, go back to the beginning and re-read the story of reasonable cooperation — and you will certainly feel that everything has become clear!
We have already seen that any awareness is relative; and as a result, men do not always remain masculine and women do not always remain feminine. Let's talk about it a little bit more. Consider the example of a mother and her son.
When raising a child, the mother has only one choice: to be guided by her own life experience, which, of course, is the totality of her knowledge. This means that the mother evaluates the child’s behavior, comparing it with what she believes is right — beneficial not only for the son himself, but for the whole world around him. It should be understood, however, that in this case the mother has to work with the already known, and this, as we know, is a function of the man.
On the other hand, her son still lacks life experience, and he deals with the unknown, which makes him listen to the advice of his mother. Since he accepts her leading role, he occupies the position of a woman in relation to the mother.
This does not mean that such a boy will consider himself a girl! On the contrary, if he really listens to his mother, he will quickly learn how men should behave. However, the essence of their relationship does not change: any child, regardless of sex, does not have enough life experience and therefore is forced to obey the mother, whether he wants it or not. Only the advice of the mother and either submission to her instructions, or their violation, allow the child to accumulate his own knowledge on personal experience.
In any case, the child always occupies the position of a woman in the relationship with the mother. In doing so, he can obey her demands, do what she wants; on the other hand, he can learn from his own experience what will happen if he does not fulfill the demands of his mother — but in any case he receives instructions from her.
The same thing happens in relationships between adults, especially at work.
Imagine a man-subordinate. Such a person often very rarely thinks about taking on the masculine role of leading the institution in which he works. The only thing he cares about is his own job requirements. In other words, he understands his duties and responsibilities in the institution, as they were reported when he took up the post. However, in the performance of his duties, he automatically occupies a female position relative to his boss, although he may still be the best man in the world.
The importance of such an approach cannot be overstated, since because of social conditioning, men very often feel not sufficiently “masculine” because they are not able to provide male leadership in their work. However, this is not necessary. It is enough for such a man to understand that he always remains “feminine” in comparison with his boss, but this does not prevent him from being courageous in search of reasonable cooperation (instead of sitting dullly in the workplace, waiting for the orders of his bosses).
In reality, few employers want gloomy staff in their institution, forever waiting for orders. Most bosses seek workers with enough courage to think independently and show initiative—until, of course, they begin competing with the boss.
A real man knows perfectly well that he is a real man, and therefore he is not ashamed to receive orders from his superiors. The tendency to aggressiveness and disputes are usually those men who for one reason or another doubt their own masculinity. The fact is that any instruction from the boss becomes an insult to them and causes a feeling of inferiority. Of course, this also applies to women.
Those women who understand the true meaning of femininity, do not experience any difficulties if necessary to take on a male leadership role. On the other hand, women who feel inferior to men often try their best to run over the men around them.
There was this old song, "Whatever you do, I'll do it better." The final consequence of this approach is what I call “second-rate masculinity”: although such women are undoubtedly much better than most men at driving, driving trucks, and mowing lawns, they are still unable to unlock all their potential feminine abilities and therefore remain “second-rate men” at best.
However, around us there are not only women who have become second-class men, but also men who have become second-class women.
"Yes, dear. “Whatever you say, dear.”
“Of course, Mr. Director. It will be done, Mr. President.”
"Yes, my dear. You're my secretary, and I'm so charming, you just have to have sex with me. Shall we do it right on the table or do you prefer a room in some motel?"
Such men never assume a male leadership role and, therefore, do not realize their potential masculinity, that is, they become bad substitutes for real women, turning into a kind of someone’s puppet.
However, if you do not believe in your masculinity, then even with a beard and a hairy chest you will remain a rag!
So, let’s get back to the basics, to the most important goal — reasonable cooperation. Cooperate with whom and with what? Yeah! This is really the most important question, and the answer to it is this: before you cooperate with someone or something, you should evaluate your own potential.
It is very difficult to maintain reasonable cooperation if you do not know what you are and what you are capable of. Thus, if you are a second-rate man or a second-rate woman, your ideas about rationality will be reduced to thoughts about how to outdo the representatives of the opposite sex, and the idea of cooperation - to insidious plans to leave them all behind.
True intelligent cooperation can only be achieved under these conditions: first, you must know what it means to be a true representative of your gender; secondly, you must understand that to understand your own potential, you need to accumulate personal experience, that is, knowledge, and thirdly, such knowledge can be obtained only through various conflicts. Remember, for example, how often throughout this book I touched any of your painful strings?
Do you understand now? This is conflict!
However, you have not yet thrown it aside, and this means that you have already embarked on the path of reasonable cooperation and the search for new knowledge. Remember what was said in the beginning: reasonable cooperation is common sense and mutual benefit! A healthy approach to something does not require that you like it at all.
To understand how this manifests itself in practice, let us turn to the previous examples.
What does the example of mother and son show? We all know from experience that mother and son look at the same thing differently, and the result is conflict. And yet it is useful, even necessary. Thus, you can not say that the son is a bad boy, in fact, he is just trying to get some new knowledge.
Would you consider yourself bad just because you opened my book? This is a perfect example of how unreasonable social conditioning can be! Any boy can become bad only if he does not enter into reasonable cooperation with his mother and does not try to discover new knowledge on his own, on his own experience.
On the other hand, if his mother refuses such cooperation, she too can be called bad, because she prefers to consider her son uneducated only because he does not fulfill all her instructions - in fact, she simply does not give him the opportunity to seek new knowledge on his own.
As for the example of the boss and subordinate, the employee should not be considered bad at all, if he simply expresses to the boss everything that he sincerely believes in. He will be “bad” only if he does not develop his potential masculinity, that is, enter into reasonable cooperation with the boss.
The subordinate has two possibilities: either to remain a weak-willed puppet, unquestioningly fulfilling any order from above, or for fear of the boss constantly accusing him of mistakes, which also means a lack of reasonable cooperation.
Similarly, a boss will not become less courageous if he maintains reasonable cooperation with subordinates, taking into account their personal experience and views on a common cause. On the other hand, if he arrogantly refuses to even listen to the opinions of his subordinates, then he simply refuses reasonable cooperation - usually because he sees other men as a threat.
It should be understood that a variety of conflicts are simply inevitable, even if they consist in simple words: “I look at it differently.” And yet, every time this happens, it is necessary to call for the help of reasonable cooperation, since this is the only way to gain new knowledge. Knowledge is important regardless of what knowledge is meant: the experience of a boy who understands what it means to be a real man, the experience of a boss and a subordinate trying to establish a good working relationship, or the knowledge necessary for business success. Conflicts cannot be avoided, they are needed in order to learn reasonable cooperation, and only it can bring new knowledge.
The same principles apply to cooperation between members of different sexes. Men are different from women, their roles do not coincide. For this reason, it is better to leave attempts to turn your wife into a second-rate copy of yourself, and your husband - into an inferior version of what, in your opinion, should be a man.
Begin by saying that men and women are different but equal. If you do not forget this, you will not make others see the world the way you do; on the contrary, you will be interested in other points of view. Your own point of view will become wider and richer. Very soon you will realize that intelligent cooperation brings not only joy, but also a lot of new things!
Suppose, for example, a woman named Anna tells her husband. Stan: "I don't know if I should talk about it, but I think there's something wrong with our relationship." Usually, after such words, the husband feels that he is being accused of something, and angrily demands clarification. But in fact, Anna has already said that she does not understand what exactly the problem is, for her it is just a feeling.
If Stan is a real man, he won’t ask Anna for specific descriptions of her feelings. Instead, he will compare her words to his own “databank,” which includes all his knowledge about relationships with his wife, that is, turn to what he already knows. If that doesn’t help him understand what Anna means, Stan will try to understand her feelings with the help of leading questions — he won’t growl, “What are you talking about?”, but will ask, for example, “Try to tell how you feel.”
In other words, while remaining a man and pushing his wife to a reasonable cooperation, Stan will use his own inner femininity to make him and Anna thoroughly understand her vague feelings.
On the other hand, taking the leadership role of Stan, Anna will use her inner masculinity to try to logically understand what she as a woman caught in her own ocean of the unknown.
The end result of this intelligent collaboration between Stan and Anna, as well as between each of them and his inner opposite, will be that Stan will truly feel Anna's feelings and be able to determine exactly what is bothering his wife. This will help another chain of questions: "Do you mean that ...?" or "Do you feel that ...?"
Soon, Anna will say, “Yes! That's what I was talking about!" This example makes it clear that in order to be truly courageous, it is extremely important for a man to learn to listen to his feelings, which ultimately relate to his inner femininity.
Similarly, to remain truly feminine, a woman must not only listen to her feelings, but also obey the inner manliness that will make it possible to understand what intuition suggests. Never forget this: although it is the man who is the hunter, although he is the one who seeks the practical embodiment of ideas in the material world, he should also listen to his heart, to his feelings. They will tell you where it is better to hunt or grow crops, when it is better to do it.
Until a man has learned something from personal experience, he has no knowledge - only feelings. However, having accumulated the necessary knowledge, he immediately begins to multiply them by logical reasoning. Thus, solving an urgent problem, he will quickly find the answer, comparing the unknown with the known.
The same goes for a woman. Its task is to take care of children and the hearth, and therefore, in search of the right answers, a woman has to plunge into the inner unknown, into her feelings. Moreover, when the husband is hunting and the woman stays at home, she has no choice but to appeal to her own feelings that will tell you what to do. Because of this, women learn to think rationally.
However, the difference between a man and a woman is that a woman submits to the leading role of a man and therefore always deals with the unknown. She tries to feel how best to achieve the goal of a man.
Thus, when she needs to do something, a woman invariably assesses the situation from the point of view: "What would my husband do?" or "What would he think if I did this?"
This in no way means that the wife is just a servant for her husband. No, she just feels, feels that she will realize her own goals only when she achieves her husband’s goals. As a result, a real woman always (if possible) prefers to address her problems to her husband and let him find the right answer.
In considering the behaviour of men and women, we see that both must first listen to their feelings, then think about how best to translate them into action or resolve the difficulties that arise. Strangely enough, real men first listen to their hearts, and only after this irrational perspective has emerged do they begin comparing it with a rational “data bank”. This is how the right answer is born.
In other words, a real man first feels, then thinks. On the other hand, a real woman first thinks, and then feels - this means that, having taken the leading role of a man, she first compares her problem with the goal of a man, and then goes on to intuitive sensations of the upcoming correct actions.
However, in a social conditioning environment, men are most often taught: “Think, my boy! Think!"
The sad end of this fairy tale is that now men are terribly afraid to pay attention to such nonsense as feelings, and try their best to behave as logically as possible.
When a wife tells her husband that their relationship seems to be somehow wrong, he plunges into diligent thinking about it. Having found no rational reasons for such strange feelings of the wife, the husband angrily demands that she explain what is what, - of course, clearly and logically! After that, the woman feels like a complete fool, as she was reproached for her lack of logic, and also desperately tries to be rational. It all ends with both becoming incredibly sensible and finally forgetting about their true feelings.
FIVE
THIRD CONDITIONS: Flaws — YOUR TICKET TO FREEDOM
The practice of reasonable cooperation means the ability to remain defenseless
We pass to Captain Life's third condition: "You can't have jewelry and weapons with you - just a laurel wreath and a garland of wild flowers." In reality, this means striving for a good sense of self — a state where you don’t have to impress others with your appearance or resort to constant excuses. If you are truly satisfied with yourself (but not smug), that is, you know that you have a certain value (you have experienced that you are a real person), you will be happy to show the whole world what you really are.
Completely resigned to what nature has created you - both externally and internally - you will begin to spread around yourself an atmosphere of calm self-confidence, comparable to a laurel wreath. Of course, such a “crown” will be your own “speciality”, the uniqueness of one of the individuals that make up a huge whole called humanity.
The difficulty is that very few people are satisfied with themselves and few of us are happy to demonstrate their true self. The reason is that it is very difficult for us to come to terms with our shortcomings, especially in cases where they may seem to be one of the main traits of character. As a result, almost everyone dislikes their flaws and desperately tries to hide them - even from themselves.
In fact, our shortcomings are only undeveloped potentialities. This means that they can be used as a way to power and a ticket to freedom. To deny yourself flaws is to discard some of your potentialities. And after that, we are surprised by our own helplessness and lack of happiness!
How to use them? For example, let's talk about a specific drawback: stubbornness. In fact, stubbornness is undeveloped perseverance, perseverance - that is, quite valuable and positive advantages. The only difference is how we use these qualities.
For example, if you feel inferior compared to others and use stubbornness to always prove your own right (although in your heart you realize that you are wrong), then this is not a dignity at all, but a real disadvantage that does not bring any benefit in human relationships.
On the other hand, if you say to yourself, “I don’t want to look like a fanatic, but I will persistently fight my inferiority complex,” then in reality you are applying your stubbornness very positively, that is, with benefit. Determined to be convinced that you have your own merits, and you are no worse than anyone else, you will eventually begin to notice your valuable qualities and prove yourself right. To do this, it is enough to be persistent and not give in to the temptation to wave your hand!
Let’s take another example, the inferiority complex itself. As long as you continue to consider yourself worse than others, you will not be able to turn stubbornness into stubbornness. This character trait will still harm you, as you will stubbornly believe that in something worse than others. You will only be able to prove to yourself that you have no positive qualities.
On the other hand, if you try to figure out why you feel inferior, you will soon realize that you are just not as arrogant and self-satisfied as others. In fact, feelings of inferiority are only a negative form of modesty, and this is a very worthy trait.
So, instead of focusing on your own shortcomings, pay attention to their positive side and try to see your own modesty. By doing this, you will realize that true modesty is in fact unconditional love. A humble person never feels the need to blame someone and is always aware of his own responsibility for everything that happens in his life. The ability to understand and accept such responsibility is a powerful quality, because we are always able to change what we have done ourselves, if life does not turn out as we would like.
Thus, you should not remain a weak-willed rag, rely on the mercy of others, feel a victim of circumstances and, in general, suffer from an inferiority complex - if you do not like something, you can change your life by changing yourself, your views on the world and, above all, your opinion of yourself.
Instead of continuing to play a universal game of recrimination, you may find yourself humble enough to take responsibility for your own actions. Moreover, once you stop being weak-willed, you will become a wonderful example of a person who believes in his own strength, knows how to manage his own life and is guided by the rule: “If you do not like yourself, change. It’s not anyone’s fault that you feel worse about something.”
If you can not accept yourself, feel that you do not really fit into the world around you, you will constantly be oppressed by fears, doubts and suspicion. As a result, a nervous breakdown can occur not only in you, but also in loved ones, because our mirrors never lie. Your worries will surely affect those around you. First of all, such suspiciousness means that you very often take a protective position, but the mirrors never deceive, and therefore everyone around will also make an important appearance for any reason.
If you want people to cooperate with you in a reasonable way, you should recognize the fact that in any mirror you can only see your own reflection!
Conscious work with mirrors
There are no victims of circumstances in this world. By their actions, others simply reflect our lofty dreams and deep fears.
At the beginning of conscious work with the principle of mirrors, you should first understand that it is much easier to see something in another person than in yourself. For example, when a friend comes to you for advice on how to cope with a particular problem, you are likely to understand much faster what he should do. But if you find yourself facing the same difficulty, you will suddenly find yourself completely confused.
The reason is that we are too close to ourselves and therefore it is difficult for us to maintain objectivity, and in the absence of objectivity, everything looks vague and unclear. The whole trouble is that between us and the problem there is a dense screen of personal interests, inclinations, desires, hopes, dreams, expectations, disappointments and everything else!
Generally speaking, this list is endless. We need to be able to be objective. To view your face, you need to approach the mirror - similarly, to see your own behavior well, you should turn to the surrounding mirrors.
The above makes it clear that the game of mutual accusations is completely meaningless, because it is no less stupid than being angry at the mirror for the fact that an ugly face is reflected there!
Thus, instead of getting angry and taking a defensive position, you need to look in the mirror and try to understand your own actions. This is what was called at the beginning of the book the ability to understand another state of being.
So let us ask ourselves: “What exactly makes this person act this way?” and “Why did he say precisely that?” In other words, if something is going wrong in life—which is, after all, why you are reading my book—you should look carefully around you and try to identify the emotions, feelings, thoughts, fears, doubts, anxieties, patterns of behaviour and other signs within yourself that cause you to act wrongly!
Looking around, you need to ask yourself the most important question: "What do they all want from life?" or, more precisely, "What exactly do I want from life?" After thinking about such a question, you will very soon realize that in reality none of us really knows this. It’s amazing how few people around us understand themselves and their desires. For example, a typical human desire: “I would like to meet a person with whom marriage would bring me happiness.”
Oh my God, is that a wish? Is it possible to go through life with the words: "Make me happy"? However, this is what people do, and once an unhappy creature who happened to become your spouse does not justify the hopes placed on him, you attack him, accusing him of all sins! Obviously, if you want to be happy, it’s up to you. If you can’t bring yourself happiness, who the hell gave you the right to demand it from others?
So, the second important question is a simple fact: everything you do for yourself automatically affects others. If you are happy, you make everyone around you happy. Why not? For the simple reason that, firstly, life is a personal (but not egoistic) process, and secondly, there is only one life, parts of which are all people.
Needless to say, this principle is in direct conflict with social conditioning, for we have all been taught that we cannot focus on ourselves alone. In other words, “I’m not selfish at all, because I always let others go forward! I’m constantly trying to make you happy, but you’re all so selfish that you’ve never tried to make me happy! How sad! What are you ashamed of?"
I don’t know about you, but I like to be happy. And since I am not going to sit still and wait for the free distribution of happiness, I prefer to take up my life and make myself happy on my own. Yes, damn it, it's a completely selfish desire! But I don’t care so much because my own personal experience of selfishness has shown that people enjoy being in my company. Why not? Because I’m happy and they’re happy with me too! Of course, if they are happy, then it makes me even happier, and the wave of my happiness, in turn, begins to overflow others!
Does that sound smug? It is possible, but only because you like to be unhappy, because you believe that this is a miserable state - and there is modesty! As for me, I understand by modesty the ability not to be arrogant and not to demand from others that they make me happy.
The third consideration that we need to consider is that if you give as much as you get, life becomes richer, the world around you expands, your relationships improve, they turn into a joyful journey through limitless possibilities. However, people are so conditioned by the requirement to give that they are happy to give gifts, share their hopes, express demands, drop their problems on other people's shoulders, infect others with a bad mood - in short, give everyone around their headache without embarrassment!
In fact, most people give something only to tie you up in small ways, because in the end, the so-called gifts are just another form of manipulation: “I gave you so much, and you never gave me anything in return!”
People are always fighting because some are trying to teach others what they do not want to take. But life does not mean the ability to only give or take. On the contrary, it is a process of constant exchange, but in fact people always want only to take or only give and as a result lose the ability to clearly understand the difference between the two.
So, you want to give me your hardships and bad temper, and in return get my joy and happiness. You want to give me lies and hypocrisy, while taking my honesty. You want to share your love, which is connected with a long line of conditions and expectations, and you want to take my unconditional love. And in addition, you assure me that, despite their employment, they could not forget about my birthday. Don’t you think this exchange is fair?
You don’t have the right to impose your troubles on the world and then wait for someone to bring you happiness in return. Each of us is able to take from life everything he wants, provided that the equivalent exchange of energy is observed.
So if I bring you happiness, I can afford to take happiness wherever I go. Since I have decided to learn everything that life offers, I can both extract and clarify any questions, I have the right to share it. It’s very simple: I take what I can give and give to be able to get it again. This is how the continuous exchange of energy takes place. For this reason, I never lack anything and as a result I am always happy!
One way or another, you need to make sure that the exchange of energy is really fair. In other words, don’t try to take more than you give. If you are ready to give quite a bit - no problems, the main thing is that in return you take no more than you gave.
For example, if today you are sad, and you can share only a little joy, give what you are able to give, but do not expect that others will fill you with fun. Everyone has sad moments, but even sadness can be beautiful and therefore enriching.
So, if you are sad, you can share your sadness, but remember that it will reflect, and you will also receive sadness in return. Similarly, if you are angry with something, you can not be shy and throw out your anger - but know that others will respond accordingly, so be responsible and prepare to get back as much as you gave!
The fourth principle to talk about is that no one can escape his fate. This means that when we try to avoid life’s trials, to evade them, sooner or later we will be trapped, all these tests will surely fall on us and then we will feel like victims of circumstances. We must not forget that life is just a system of relationships, and the most important of them are the relationship between you and life itself as a whole.
Thus, if you try to take from life more than it was given, you can be sure that you are waiting for misfortune. The reason is that any life trials are designed to help us become stronger and wiser, to succeed, that is, generally speaking, to find happiness. So if you’re trying to achieve happiness by avoiding the trials and turning away from the challenges life sends you, you’re just trying to steal it!
We all know what happens to kidnappers. Sooner or later, the thief gets caught! Think about it. You are married, but when you dream of happiness, you never pay attention to the trials that marriage presents to you. In other words, you expect happiness from your marriage, but do not want to move a finger to bring it closer. But one day you will be caught! Marriage will fall apart, the train will go off track, and you will face the threat of divorce.
Of course, you can always say, “God, why me? I just wanted to be happy, always trying to find happiness! My life partner is to blame, who was forever dissatisfied with our marriage and eventually filed for divorce!" In such cases, it is the taker who feels himself a victim of circumstances, but the truth is that he took too much, turned into a thief, and robbers should not be allowed to steal with impunity!
So, if you consider yourself an innocent victim, check your own pockets! If your house was robbed, think about when you secretly took something from others and how it happened. Perhaps you just took away from work clerical trifle or underpaid maid who cleaned the house once a week? Perhaps you have stolen a lot of time from your family, since you rarely appeared at home and were afraid to look into your spouse’s eyes?
Finally, we begin to understand what Captain Life's third condition really means: we can't afford to play at recrimination, because the whole world around us is a huge mirror! As a result, neither arrogance, nor defensive posture, nor self-justification will help us. By resorting to one of these means, we only strengthen the causes of our unhappiness, because we get exactly what we give.
The universe always tells us, "Yes!" If you need excuses, everyone around you will come up with hundreds of excuses. Do you want to go into defense? People around you will behave the same way. You want to be aggressive, and everyone around you will become violent. If you want to steal something, others will start stealing to the left and right. But if you want to be happy and for this are ready to work, suddenly there will be a lot of people who are also happy to work on their own happiness.
THE ART OF LISTEN
Communication implies understanding.
We have already mentioned that most people swim with the flow of life, trying to catch up with the heavenly rainbow, but very few know exactly what will make them happy. However, to go with the flow is to rely on someone’s mercy, and attempts to grab a crane in the sky ... to continue is meaningless.
The most serious reason for this behavior is that none of us were taught to communicate correctly. As a result, we sometimes never manage to tell others, and especially ourselves, what worries us and what we would like to get out of life.
If a person does not know how to communicate, he is not able to establish normal relations with the world around him and, most importantly, with himself. How can you hope for happiness if you are not able to explain to yourself what you need for this? Moreover, if you are unhappy, dissatisfied and anxious, you will definitely not treat yourself with enough love, and self-loathing will prevent you from spending time alone with yourself. Instead, you will try not to be alone, desperately try to escape from the feeling of your own misery, but this ultimately means that you want to escape from yourself!
On the other hand, when you ask such a person what happened, he invariably shrugs his shoulders and says: "Nothing!" This is called "an empty answer" or, in simple words, a game of "nothing." The strange thing is that there is nothing wrong with the game itself! The trouble is only one thing: this person simply does not know how to express his feelings to himself or the world around him. He is trapped in a constant feeling of dissatisfaction, but can not express it in words and expresses only that he always runs away from himself, but so he will never find happiness.
The only way out of this vicious circle is to learn to listen. In fact, very few people have ever listened carefully to others. Why not? Because most of the time they are hampered by a voice of low self-esteem. As a result, they are either busy arguing with themselves and expressing their own point of view, or immersed in the idea of what to answer the interlocutor - in both cases, they simply do not have time to listen. You know, right? Which means you do that too!
If a person suffers from low self-esteem, any words of the interlocutor will be perceived as criticism. For example, when your spouse says that they are unhappy with your marriage, you are likely to immediately feel that you are being accused of something. "Lord! I guess it's all my fault! I'm a bad husband, a bad lover, and I don't earn much" - and so on and so forth.
The feeling of inferiority due to the fact that the spouse does not feel happy, makes you take a defensive position, justify your actions. Instead of trying to cooperate with her, to help her to express as clearly as possible how she feels, you feel some kind of threat, criticism and, therefore, can not listen to her carefully.
Conflict is brewing, but in this case it does not bring any new knowledge and turns into a quarrel, because the wife is trying to explain one thing, and you “hear” completely different.
"Damn it, I'm not accusing you of anything!" "But you said you were unhappy. Since I am your husband, it means that I failed to make you happy!
Human relationships often turn into complete confusion only for this reason: a person feels that he is being accused of something, and invariably begins to insist on his point of view, which, by the way, he is not so sure of. In trying to protect himself (from what, in fact?), he often begins to give the most ridiculous arguments and make completely wild assumptions - often very meaningless and have nothing to do with proven and substantiated knowledge.
Unlike conflicts leading to reasonable cooperation and new knowledge, such quarrels simply escalate into scandals, and end in divorce proceedings. Of course, the same thing happens in other areas of relationships, for example, at work, where the result of mutual misunderstanding is usually dismissal!
And yet learning to listen to others is not difficult: it is enough to tell yourself that you want to listen to the interlocutor. By doing this, you will immediately find that even when you are criticized, a painful feeling of inferiority does not occur - on the contrary, you will be delighted with how interesting it is to communicate with another person.
Noticing your own attentiveness to others and understanding what helps (and hinders) you in remaining sensitive will allow you to move easily from the position of an unhappy victim of blame to a sense of your own strength.
For example, if you are accused of callousness and insensitivity, and you are listening to this person correctly and trying to understand why you seem to him exactly like that, then, no doubt, very soon you will understand the reasons. Suppose your friend says that you are insensitive, because you behave detached, avoid physical contact. If you’re honest with yourself and give up trying to make excuses, you’ll realize that your friend is actually right. The desire to defend himself and pretend that he is wrong is simply stupid.
If you start thinking about why you avoid physical contact, you will probably find out that you consider yourself unattractive for one reason or another. Obviously, the friend was not going to criticize you at all, he just made a valuable remark that pushes you to increase your self-esteem and, accordingly, improve relationships with others. In short, your friend just wanted to help you better understand yourself.
It should be understood that others are not at all trying to show those our shortcomings, the existence of which we sometimes do not even suspect. Moreover, thanks to the ability to listen, we can not only learn a lot about ourselves, but also understand others, listening to their opinions about ourselves and others - do not forget that for them we are the same mirrors as they are for us.
In trying to achieve mutual understanding, we are inevitably faced with what are called “unrealistic hopes”. Due to the fact that we do not often truly understand others, we often have the strangest expectations about them, which have nothing to do with the realities of life.
For example, if you do not like yourself and for this reason can not get along with yourself, it is completely unrealistic to hope that you will be able to please someone else. Similarly, if you feel deep down that you are not fit for your job, don’t expect to be appreciated by your boss.
However, people behave this way, and then, when they do not feel respect from others, which they do not show themselves, they feel disappointed and deceived. In dreams and hopes there is nothing wrong, just in life you need to adhere to the principle of fair exchange. In other words, if you work hard and are conscientious about your work, you have every right to wait for appropriate recognition.
Similarly, if you love your friends and are genuinely happy with yourself, you don’t have to be arrogant, arrogant, and selfish to impress others; on the contrary, you can reasonably hope that others will like you.
So, once again, we have seen how important it is to understand yourself correctly. Unrealistic hopes can arise only when a person is not guided by the principle of mirrors. As soon as we recognize the fact that others reflect our own behavior, all unreasonable expectations immediately dissipate, like a fog under the bright sun.
For example, if I try to make friends with a new friend in the hope that he will correspond to my ideas about a real friend, this person, no doubt, very soon will begin to disappoint me. On the other hand, if I want to make friends with him for the reason that I see a very good mirror in him, I will always be interested in his company, because at each meeting he will tell me something new about himself.
On the one hand, he will show me my positive aspects, and for this I will, of course, love him; on the other hand, he will demonstrate my negative qualities - and for this I will love him even more. Thanks to what both sides will show me, I will be able to understand myself, to begin to consciously work on my strengths and shortcomings. Moreover, since our shortcomings are really undeveloped potentialities, I should only be grateful to a friend for showing me my own weaknesses!
Anyway, if he is a real friend, he will definitely have no less than me, the desire to work on himself. As a result, instead of exchanging mutually agreeable lies, we will both behave frankly and ruthlessly towards each other!
In conclusion, I want to say this about mirrors: sometimes we have to look into an outdated mirror. This helps to strengthen self-confidence, and therefore it is very important to learn to distinguish between modern and outdated mirrors.
Remember that mirrors never lie, and if you change, reflections become different. However, in cases where you have already changed, and the reflection is not yet, such a mirror will very soon leave your life - or you will throw it away to strengthen your faith in yourself.
So, if you really honestly work with all the mirrors around you and make sure that you really started to change, but your mirror persistently shows the same reflection, do not doubt that you are just an outdated mirror. In this case, it is enough to understand that this person no longer reflects your current state. Look into his behavior and realize that you were like this before and, generally speaking, can become like this again, but do not forget that you should not be ashamed of such actions anymore.
If the mirror persistently shows the old reflection, you should gather strength and move away from it. Otherwise, it will certainly try to bring you back to your former image - for the simple reason that mirrors do not know how to lie!
SECRET OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
Love and unconditional love are one and the same.
The main reason for low self-esteem is that the vast majority of people are immersed in conditional rather than unconditional love. This principle is both complex and very simple. I always prefer clarity.
So, in simple terms, I call this behavior a game of "glorious guy." People are so preoccupied with liking others, that is, so focused on themselves and arrogant that they are ready to go on deception, just not to tell the truth. Think about it, for example, which of your friends is completely sincere with you?
Let’s put the question differently: with which of your friends can you speak frankly? Most often, the answer is: “I do not want to tell people the truth, because it will hurt them, and if they are offended, they will not love me.” Such dishonesty is brought up already in childhood by parents who offer their daughter: "If you are an obedient girl, I will buy you a doll for Christmas." After that, the child learns to pretend to be good, even if he behaves badly when his parents are not around.
In short, the child is taught to deceive others with their behavior, and the result is a universal lie: "Come on, you will tell me a pleasant, even if you lie, and then I will buy you a doll, I will be a very good husband, I will become your best friend, I will be an exemplary subordinate."
This dishonesty is what is called conditional love. In other words, "Lie to me and I'll lie to you, do as we've been taught, and we'll all be happy!" But if you're disgusted with doing that, there's only one way to change: to move on to unconditional love.
Unconditional love doesn’t mean you have to be nice to someone, even when they’re sneaking you down, raping your wife, and ripping off your house. No, it means that you love those around you so much that you will tell them the truth, even if after that they will never talk to you again and will consider you a low disgusting bastard.
The ability to be honest is ruthless. Being ruthless does not mean being cruel. This skill simply means that you feel no pity for yourself or others.
This principle also comes into direct conflict with social conditioning, but if you do not want to remain a liar and live surrounded by insincerity, you have no choice but to become ruthless to yourself. “If I don’t want to be ruthless towards others, it’s only because they’ll start to think I’m a bad person!”, “I’m just afraid of being ruthless towards people!”, “If I don’t become ruthless, I’ll have to compromise!”
Very soon we will talk about the difference between compromise and sacrifice in order to achieve our goal. It is enough to say that no one wins in a compromise. Most people find it very difficult to be ruthless, mainly because they don’t know how to use their anger properly. Anger is simply the desire to enter into battle and fight for one’s beliefs. If someone knocks you down, you get angry. Do not suppress your anger, just use it to become ruthless!
Generally speaking, we are afraid to show our anger, because by the standards of social conditioning, it is not good to be aggressive. However, the sad truth is that it is those people who are struggling to contain their anger, sooner or later become extremely aggressive! On the other hand, if you begin to show anger when it is justified, you are unlikely to become more aggressive than necessary for the battle. In other cases, you will still behave as a balanced, calm and pleasant person.
It is quite natural to become ruthless when anger boils in you, since in the face of anger, fear recedes, doubts disappear and a person temporarily forgets about his inferiority complexes. As a result, in such moments, he sees everything much more clearly and acquires a huge inner strength.
On the other hand, letting go of your anger does not mean screaming wildly or destroying everything left and right. It is enough just to release it to the surface, not to try to suppress it, to use this feeling to achieve complete clarity, then turn it into ruthlessness and, finally, into the right actions.
For example, if your boss accuses you of a mismatch, let your anger go. That doesn’t mean you have to shut your ears or start making excuses.
You need to say to yourself: "I want to fight for this position and therefore I must listen very carefully!" By doing so, you will clearly understand the claims of the boss and will be able to understand what their cause is - in your own shortcomings or in the views of the boss.
If anger is used this way, it will certainly help you gain new knowledge, and not just inflate the conflict. Instead of losing your job or divorcing your spouse, you will accumulate new strength and self-confidence, and thanks to this you will be able to gain the respect of others.
I have never seen a boss fire an employee who listens carefully to all the reproaches, does not try to justify himself and, among other things, has a strong inner core and is able to defend his right to occupy a corresponding position. Similarly, I have never heard of a failed marriage of two completely sincere and ruthless people who are willing to fight to achieve a good relationship.
Relentlessness and ability to constructively use his anger — that is the expression of the desire for reasonable cooperation and mutual understanding, the two conditions of any successful meaningful human relationships.
COMPROMISE AND VICTIMS
Things speak louder than words.
We still have to consider another phenomenon that causes problems in human relations more often than others - broken promises. First of all, it should be understood that with any promise you yourself beg for accusations of deception. How can I promise you that our marriage will last forever or I will never leave your company if neither of us knows what will happen tomorrow?
I can promise something only if it relates to the current moment. For example, I can say that I will be there while we both remain as we are now, but who knows if we will change in the future? If something changes, I can no longer guarantee that I will stay here — and, by the way, I do not require such a promise from you.
Similarly, I could promise that I would never leave your company, but what happens if you suddenly find someone better for my position, if the business falls apart and you can no longer pay me?
Promises are dangerous. While there is nothing wrong with the promises themselves, we must understand that it is much safer and wiser to build our relationships on business, rather than on promises.
Whether or not a marriage continues depends on the actions of both spouses, who must do something to create a strong family. Similarly, if I really want to stay in your company, we both have to work hard to make sure that our relationship is mutually beneficial.
Unfortunately, people tend to rely more on the power of promises than on actions. As a result, they compromise. This once again shows the need for ruthlessness: “Do not promise that you will never have an affair again, prove it!”, “Do not promise that next time you will try. Show me the result!”
On the other hand, even if you are faced with a choice of two evils, it is also not necessary to seek a compromise, although you must be prepared to sacrifice something else. For example, if at night your wife snores louder than chainsaws and does not let you sleep, ask yourself the question: "What is more important for me: to keep this marriage or not to sleep at night?" If this marriage means nothing to you, divorce and find another wife who will quietly and sweetly poke in your ear all night! Otherwise, do not sacrifice yourself and do not sleep at night - just shut your ears!
By doing so, you will sacrifice hearing at night, but you will save important family relationships for you.
Compromise! What a wonderful word! By promising each other anything, you and I can direct our relationship in any direction! Isn't that great?
"Keep promising you'll never hurt me, and I promise I'll never be cruel to you!"
“I know I’m not doing this job very well, but I promise to try — unless, of course, you promise me not to say anything to the director.”
"I admit I did sleep with your wife, but I can promise you she'll hate me soon - just don't tell my wife!"
Do you still think that compromise is the right and worthy way to solve problems?
Let’s say you have a long day at work and you don’t like it. Ask yourself, "Is this job really important to me?" If not, get up and leave, and then find something easier. If this job is really important, get up and go to the boss. There is no point in sitting still and feeling sorry for yourself — get up and try to establish reasonable cooperation! Tell your boss that you are ready for such a long working day, because you appreciate this work, but you are very tired - could you find some solution together? Perhaps your strength can be strengthened by a salary increase, a long vacation or a raise? It is possible that for a mental uplift is enough to kick the boss on the ass once!
Either way, there is simply no good reason for compromise in life, although we very often have to sacrifice one to achieve the other. Remember the old saying: you can’t eat a cake twice!
We come to the most important question: "What do I want from relationships with others?" Only you can answer it. There are no two people in the world who are the same, and therefore my dreams are unlikely to coincide with your ideas of happiness. It is enough to sit at the table and make a list of those conditions that, in your opinion, are signs of a good relationship - romantic and professional, relationships with children, family and friends.
When making such a list, make sure that it is sufficiently detailed and reasonable. In other words, only you can determine what you need and how to achieve this in practice.
When this list is complete, make another one. List in it the desired signs of your relationship with yourself.
Do not forget that in this case you actually determine certain obligations to yourself. In other words, if you want to achieve a good relationship with yourself, then it is you who will have to do this and do everything from beginning to end! Realizing this, you will understand that the practical embodiment of the first list of items, which included hopes for relationships with others, is also entirely on your conscience.
If you want to be happy, never forget that none of us live on an island and, therefore, true happiness means a joyful relationship with the world around us.
Forget about mutual accusations! Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Let go of social conditioning!
Become ruthless towards yourself and direct your knowledge to change yourself, after which all the mirrors around will begin to change!
SIX
CONDITION FOUR: GIVE YOURSELF TIME
Time is the essence of perfection.
Captain Life's fourth condition is, "You have to throw the clock overboard." This means that you should give yourself time, since it is simply impossible to get rid of old habits in an instant. On the other hand, if you want to find happiness as soon as possible, you can not afford to waste time, that is, to indulge in old habits. Let’s talk about what that means in practice.
Generally speaking, we are all ready to give the necessary time to others, but when it comes to ourselves, we become completely merciless in this matter. For example, if you live alone and invited someone to lunch, then cook a few dishes and set the table, decorating the living room with flowers and candles.
How often do you do the same for yourself? Maybe you don’t love yourself? Then why should someone else love you?
If you want to achieve some kind of long-term relationship with another person, you should start with yourself. Learn to respect yourself, and you will be respectful to others. So, leave attempts to impress once laid table and a rare delicious dinner - it is better to show that you live like this all the time, and then another person will begin to respect you, want to stay close.
The same applies to the period that you will take yourself for a major change in life. If you give yourself time, you won’t expect all the mirrors around you to change their reflections every time you snap your fingers!
Life is a process. Although we make serious decisions at certain moments that become truly turning points, the implementation of these decisions in practice, in everyday life, takes time. Seeds do not grow instantly, sowing takes time to become a crop. Human relationships are much like growing trees: they need not only time, but, above all, attention, care and love.
FAMILIES
GAME RULES IN RELATIONSHIP
Our whole life is a set of games, just in some of them more clear rules than in others.
People often look at me with tearful eyes and ask me what to do to improve their relationships with others. I always give the same unusually simple advice: “If you want to enjoy the game and not get out of it to the end, follow the rules!”
Human relationships are no different from any other game and have very clear rules. Despite this, people are always very surprised, outraged and offended if they are removed from the field for breaking the rules! Where's the logic?
But the main thing is not even that. The real problem is that most people spoil the pleasure of other players. They only want to win and as a result deprive life of all joys - after all, in order to win, they need someone else to lose.
What are the rules of this game? I am not going to talk about them in detail. Why not? I don't want to ruin your game! A good half of the fun of the relationship game lies in determining for yourself what those rules mean to you. We are all different — the only thing we have in common is stupidity!
We are all unique and each has special qualities. This means that everyone plays the game of life in their own style. This style is a personal signature — the mark that each of us leaves in the world, the mark that will tell about us to others. One handwriting is a real work of fine art, the other is strikingly neat and legible, and the third suggests a chicken dipped its paw in an inkpan. Fourth, I don’t know what to compare. Some of the signatures are ugly. A lot of people seem to be brought out by a child’s hand, that is, they bear the imprint of amazing immaturity. You must decide what your signature will be left in this world, what handwriting you want to write it.
So, I will briefly describe to you the rules of the relationship game, which is essentially a game of life itself. After studying these laws, you will understand that in reality I have told you everything you need to follow its rules in practice. Comply with them — and it will bring you life experience, your practical experience, your own knowledge and, therefore, personal strength.
I suggest you learn these rules, stick to them and, above all, do not forget about the pleasure of the game. Sometimes people are very serious in their desire to win and completely forget that this is just a game. It is not surprising that as a result they age prematurely, decrepit and fall into childhood!
RULE ONE.
FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR WHICH THIS OR ANOTHER PERSON HAS SERVED IN YOUR LIFE
It takes two to dance tango. Stop playing with accusations.
Learn to see your own role in what happened, your contribution to everything that happens in the sphere of your relationships with other people.
SECOND RULE
RELAX TO ANY MAN FROM YOUR ENVIRONMENT AS YOU RELATED TO A NON-NEW
A long-standing acquaintance often leads to habit and loss of respect! Treat your husband or wife, boss, children, family and friends as if you have just met them. Do not forget about the need for politeness and respect, even if you know a person forever.
RULE THIRD
SMITH WITH WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU ARE
Recognize your weaknesses and remember that they are your road to strength and your ticket to freedom. Stop pretending to have no potential. Instead of constantly justifying your actions, learn to listen to others. Most importantly, learn to listen to your own feelings.
RULE FOUR
SEEK ALL POSITIVE PARTIES. CONCENTRATE ON THE GOOD
Start giving yourself and everyone else credit for doing good.
It’s easy to criticize, humiliate, and highlight failures, but how often do you praise yourself or others for something good? To continue to believe in ourselves, we all need someone to pat us on the head from time to time, even if this “someone” is ourselves!
RULE FIFTH
DETERMINATE HUMAN ROLES AND THEIR POTENTIAL MANIFESTATIONS
If you are a man, treat the women around you as women, not as mothers. If you are a woman, treat men like men, not little boys.
RULE SIX
PAY TIME
Try not to waste time by indulgent old habits. Learn to communicate effectively: openly, sincerely and ruthlessly. Do not think that others are able to read your thoughts and guess your desires.
THE SEVENTH RULE
Believe in yourself and others
Stop thinking that everyone is trying to upset you. Be guided by the principle of mirrors, that is, realize that others want to help you, not turn into their victim!
EIGHTH RULE
ATTENTION OF THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
RULE NINTH
DARE YOU! LIFE IS FUN!
Learn to see in all your actions and actions of others what they really are - that is, stupidity. After that, you will laugh more often than you cry. All people, including you, are really funny creatures!
RULE TEN
LEAVE A DAY
Life is the most important journey, and events of any voyage are entered in the ship's log.
It is enough to start keeping a diary, and very soon you will be surprised at how many new things you have learned about yourself, others and life in general. Note everything in your diary: your feelings, emotions, thoughts, dreams and, of course, dates. Calendar dates will help to identify certain patterns, for example, a gloomy mood every Christmas or a spiritual upsurge in the spring.
However, the most important advantage of the diary is that by describing all your difficulties in it, you are pushing yourself to their decisions, that is, you begin to take responsibility for your life.
EIGHT
PASSWORD FOR LIFE AND FOR HAPPINESS
Our relationship with others is always a mirror image of our relationship with ourselves. Don't forget that.
Thus, if we want to be happy, we first need to establish a good relationship with ourselves and, thanks to this, become holistic, self-sufficient, relying on our own strength and, therefore, satisfied with ourselves people.
Can you hope for a successful marriage, if one of the partners has not yet formed, has not become itself? It's simply impossible! No one can establish a full-fledged relationship with half a person!
It should not be forgotten, however, that all of us are not able to see ourselves from the side without a mirror or even a few mirrors. As for all such mirrors, the most important of them is one that is closer and fully reflects our inner opposite. This does not mean that we all have to get married, but close relationships with members of the opposite sex — a spouse, family member, friend or boss — are simply necessary.
A close relationship does not necessarily involve sexual intercourse. Proximity means a relationship based on the principle of reasonable cooperation. In this regard, it is worth remembering that most of modern human relationships are based not on reasonable cooperation, but on animal lust.
Animal passion is great! One trouble is, we can hardly learn much about ourselves if we behave like wild Mustangs all day long. Until then, this is fun, but even after you have made an indelible impression on others with your bragging, sooner or later you will have to return to the problem of the lack of real happiness.
Devote yourself to the search for happiness, and soon you will find that life suddenly has a completely different meaning, has become much more meaningful than before. It's very simple: as with any other hobby, you will definitely want to tell the whole world about it.
By dedicating yourself to your family, you are proudly showing your wedding ring to others. The same is true of happiness, life, and self-interest. No one knows how his life will turn out, what surprises it will bring. There is only one constant passion: the search for happiness, "whatever happens." This is how you look at life and human relationships.
For joy, or on the mountain, but each of us has the ability and the right to choose what to focus on. We either believe that “life is shit and everyone around us is a scoundrel,” or we focus on the good and say, “All the experiences in my life are so generous that I am happy and loving to reap their fruits, because any trials carry knowledge and happiness.”
The meaning of true happiness can only be understood by fully experiencing your grief and crying all the tears. How would we know the difference between night and day if there was no night? Is it possible to feel what success is, happiness, if you have never experienced either luck or failure?
You see, I consider you a wonderful person!
I don’t care what you think of yourself, even if you think you’re the biggest loser in the world. All this cargo under which you buried yourself is just behavior, and behavior can be changed at any moment, you just have to wish. I think you are wonderful because you are my mirror! Even if you behave disgustingly, I am still sure that I am not worse or better than you.
You may have become an outdated mirror for me, but if I wasn’t where you are now, how could I love you? But I love you, because you are me and I am you, and together we are parts of one big life.
Behavior is one thing, we do not have to love other people’s actions or put up with them. But the potential is something completely different, something precious, important, unique and irreplaceable. That's why I love you!
Our life is just a web of relationships, and if you look closely at it, you will understand that any relationship, regardless of their type, represents a serious investment - a contribution to yourself!
Personally, I will not invest in any business until I make sure that this is a profitable contribution that will bring good profits. However, the fate of my contribution worries me later. As a result, when evaluating my own life, I understand that I just had to believe that life is a worthwhile investment. Otherwise, I'm a real idiot! Anyway, I prefer to take care of my contribution, about my life and about you including. I feel more at ease personally. I like it because it brings me great pleasure! To me, the word “happiness” means joy. I am always happy, even in the saddest moments, even when things go awry, and I doubt that this time I will be able to get out. But the sad moments are definitely gone, we always have the opportunity to get back on our feet. And if so, the journey of happiness continues!
The only thing that really matters to me is that I am real and you are real, because our life itself is real. Ultimately, this is the password you need to know to enter a happy life. So, if there is any important law of happy life and good relationships, which includes all the previous principles, it sounds like this:
BE REAL. MAKE YOURSELF REAL AND ALL OTHERS
As Captain Life warned, ignorance of this law or attempts to violate it can in one sense or another pay with life. Some people die physically, but some die emotionally or mentally.
Many die internally, lose some spark of life that disappears from their eyes and hearts. They turn into walking corpses, become fake - just ghosts flashing in your life. I myself have seen such ghosts and know that it is simply impossible to enter into communication with a transparent shadow. Relationships need something tangible, with the flesh and, above all, the heart!
In other words, in order to establish a relationship with a person, this person must be real. Everything else does not matter - during the search for happiness, you can change a lot.